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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566620">Into the Light (Dragon Age Inquisition Story Book #1)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladygriff/pseuds/theladygriff'>theladygriff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Astri Trevelyan (DAI Story) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Pre-Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:08:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>43,199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566620</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladygriff/pseuds/theladygriff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Astri Trevelyan has spent the last thirteen years of her life inside the Ostwick Circle of Magi. When her magic surfaced on her tenth birthday, her strict Andrastian family sent her to the Circle and has since cut all contact with her. With the mage-templar war ongoing, First Enchanter Lydia sends Astri on an important mission to the Divine's Conclave to represent their Circle and what remains of the loyalist mages. However, as Astri witnesses the cruelty of the war first hand, and the betrayal of someone she holds dear, she begins to question all she has been led to believe. Are Circles really the answer? Or is this her chance to change the lives of mages forever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cullen Rutherford/Female Trevelyan, Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Astri Trevelyan (DAI Story) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Ostwick Circle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the beginning of a series based on my canon Inquisitor (fem Trevelyan mage). This first book is her origin story and leads into the beginning of Inquisition. Hope you enjoy!<br/>Let me know your thoughts on my work in the comments! I love feedback and even just spare of the moment reactions. I want to know what you think and feel about the stories and the characters so please do share!</p><p>Headcanon world state is as follows:</p><p>HOF: Aylin Cousland (sword and shield warrior)(female)(romance headcanon Nathaniel Howe as they grew up together)(Alistair and Anora rule)(Loghain alive, recruited)(Morrigan and Loghain completed the ritual)</p><p>Hawke: Arden Hawke (mage)(female)(purple Hawke)(romanced Anders who is still alive and they are together)(sided with the mages)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My eyes open suddenly, my body shaken awake against its will by what I assume was simply a bad dream. The familiar ceiling above me of ornate wood reveals to me that I am safe within my quarters, tucked warmly into my own bed.</p><p>I peer at the three other beds in the room to find my dormmates fast asleep. Across the room the fire in the hearth flickers weakly as it holds onto the last moments of life.</p><p>Letting out a long sigh I remove my blankets, tossing them weakly aside, I move to seat myself upright on the edge of my bed. These nightmares are becoming ridiculous. I passed my Harrowing over a month ago, yet I am still haunted by the demons I came across in the Fade. Misshapen bodies, claws, teeth, and glowing eyes. I had been terrified. I still am. Just the thought of them makes me shudder.</p><p>I wash my face and neck in my basin, fingers digging into my soft, fair skin, desperate to wash away my pointless fears. My reflection in the mirror is that of a helpless girl, long golden hair tangled and wild atop a thin, weary face. I do not look the part of an accomplished mage, nor the rejected daughter of a noble house.</p><p>More than dissatisfied by my own appearance, I hurry a brush through my tangled hair and force it into a poorly executed plait, then dress myself in my favourite blue robes with silver detailing and hurry out of the room before I can wake the others.</p><p>There are very few fellow mages about, the sun nothing more than a golden streak of light across the horizon. The stone corridors are lit by many flickering candles. The templars are at their stations, adorning every nook and cranny like an unmoving suit of armour, void of all humanity. They guard every door and patrol every corridor; their beady eyes on me as I make my way through the building.</p><p>I enter the library, my hand tracing the bookshelves as I pass through the narrow, winding spaces between them. I have read most of the books in this place, only one dark corner of knowledge remains. I find that tucked away corner and scan the shelves for where I had replaced yesterday's book on my way to bed the night before. I recall it being near the bottom, three shelves from the floor, perhaps half a dozen from the right.</p><p>Yes, that one. I trace the spine of it and take the one to its right.</p><p>Yet another book on magical forms. I sigh. At least it will keep my mind busy for another day in this dreaded place.</p><p>Ostwick Circle is a lot like the rest of the Circles across Thedas. A stone fortress meant to keep its mages locked securely inside, under the constant eye of the Order. Though I hear our Circle is one of the more beautiful. An enormous tower perched on a sheer cliffside, overlooking the place where the Amaranthine and the Waking Sea meet. If it were not my prison, I might have thought it was beautiful. However, it is a cold, sad tower that I would rather to have never laid eyes upon.</p><p>I am relieved to find my favourite window seat vacant. I seat myself, back against the curved stone beside the window. I look out through the stained glass to see that the sun has risen enough to see the waves far below me crashing against the rocky shore.</p><p>I curl up with my new book and lose myself in the pages for a peaceful while. The morning bell tolls, and my fellow mages begin to stir and move about the tower. Voices slowly begin to fill the library and work their way over to me. I block them out as best I can.</p><p>The bell tolls again once the sun has risen a good hand width above the surface of the water, signaling breakfast in the great hall. Despite my desire to hide away forever, my stomach growls greedily within me and I have no choice but to leave my little hideaway and seek out food.</p><p>With my book under my arm, I make the journey through the many corridors, down several flights of stairs, reaching the great hall when it is already filled with hungry bodies.</p><p>The templars at the door eye me as I enter. I cannot see their faces for their helmets, but I do not care. They are my jailors. I do not care what they look like, nor their opinions of me. The lyrium-infused silver ring on my finger is their proof that I am capable.</p><p>I take my serving of simple oatmeal and decide against eating in the hall with everyone else. The tables are full, and I have no interest in squeezing myself between veritable strangers.</p><p>I begin to make my way towards the conservatory. I descend yet more staircases until I reach the ground floor. I weave through two more corridors and then into the enormous conservatory. The mixed smell of various breeds of flowers and herbs fills my senses and my body relaxes at the warm humidity. I spent many endless hours in here during my studies as an apprentice. My fondness has grown even after I passed my Harrowing and earned my name as a mage. As a trained alchemist, it is my other favourite place in the tower. Between the library and the conservatory, I spend little time elsewhere.</p><p>I find a bench, seating myself down happily to enjoy my meal. I fuss about briefly, figuring out how best to eat and continue my book at the same time. Eventually I settle on sitting with my legs crossed facing the book as it lies on the bench open to my current page. I balance my oatmeal in my lap and use my free hand to turn the pages as I read.</p><p>My meal is finished quickly, and I simply put the empty bowl aside to continue my book with more ease. I remain seated sideways on the bench, leaning forward to rest my head in my hand, elbow on my knee. I stay this way for quite a while, once again blissfully absorbed in the endless words on worn pages.</p><p>What feels like a small eternity passes quickly. If I had not been stirred by a group of children passing by behind their teacher, chatting loudly and laughing, I might have forgotten entirely that I am supposed to meet First Enchanter Lydia in her office before luncheon.</p><p>I reluctantly replace the book under my arm, scoop up my bowl and begin the agonizingly long walk back up the tower, intent on stopping by the great hall for a small snack and to return my bowl as I go.</p><p>As I walk, my mind wanders away to a faraway place. It has long been a poor habit of mine to lose myself in my thoughts. It has got me into trouble more times than I care to recall. But when you have lived more than half your life locked away in a tower, there is little else to occupy. I could vent about my unfair life to other mages and pretend they are my friends and care about me in the slightest, or I can focus on myself, bettering my knowledge and my skills, in hopes of one day becoming a productive member of the Circle. I have chosen the latter.</p><p>Returning to the great hall, I find it void of most mages, with only a handful of study groups spread out across the enormous oak tables. Templars stand guard, eyes never moving from the mages under their care.</p><p>I find a small slice of fruit bread, entranced by the number of brightly coloured fruit chunks within it. Normally I might have opted for a muffin, or perhaps an apple, but something about this fruit bread draws my attention and I am powerless to resist. As I make for the door, nibbling curiously, intent of identifying each fruit through taste alone, I am far more focused on my own wonders than on where I am walking. I am so engrossed that I collide heavily with a walking set of armour and am nearly thrown to the ground, stopped only by two strong hands on my arms.</p><p>Panic fills me and my eyes drop to the wasted fruit bread as it lay on the floor between the templar and I. My body stiffens as I register the situation. I have seen mages locked away and beaten for lesser mistakes.</p><p>"I-I-I," my words fail me as my entire body begins to tremble. "I am s-so sorry, ser. I-I was walking so carelessly I did not see you!" I lower my head further, my hair falling to cover my face. If only I knew a spell to make me invisible, or perhaps one to shrink me to the size of an ant.</p><p>I curse myself under my breath. Why must I be so clumsy?</p><p>"Astri?"</p><p>I blink at the sound of my name. Peering upward from between my thick hair, hands still shaking in fear, I am met by a vaguely familiar face. Tan skin, thin face exaggerated by a sudden sharp jawline, dark eyes that appear more black than brown, and well-kept black hair that hangs to his shoulders, pulled away from his face in a small braid at the back his head. He is just as handsome as I remember.</p><p>Memories return to me that I had thought pushed aside for good. Fiery eyes filled with anger; a blade pointed to the man on the floor. He begs for his life. A strong arm holding me behind an even stronger body, protecting me in a way no one had protected me before.</p><p>Instantly my entire body relaxes, my fear replaced with a flush of heat that makes all the hairs on my body stand on end. Suddenly the powerful hold of his hands makes my skin tingle and I want to rip my arms away, but do not for fear of upsetting him or drawing attention from another templar.</p><p>"Are you alright?" Concern fills his eyes, blackness turning to a radiant amber, as they scan my body and I feel my heartbeat faster as they trace my every inch.</p><p>His eyes meet mine again, begging me for an answer to the question I forgot he had even asked.</p><p>I clear my throat, pulling against his grip gently, trying to give myself some space to clear the chaos in my mind.</p><p>"Y-yes," I stutter. "I am sorry for barging into you like that. I did not hurt you, did I?"</p><p>Relief floods over him and is replaced by a kind smile. He laughs softly and shakes his head. "No, no, of course not. The armour has boundless uses, I suppose."</p><p>I swallow against the lump in my throat, reminded that we are not alone, and templar and mage, after all. The giddiness I had felt slowly returns to fear as I note that his hands have yet to release my arms.</p><p>"Ser-" I say, tugging again at his hands.</p><p>His eyes dart to his hands and he instantly releases me. "Forgive me, I had not noticed that I still held you."</p><p>My cheeks redden at the sound of his words. My childish crush filling me with warmth and panic at the same moment.</p><p>"Thank you for stopping me from falling," I say, bowing my head to him. "My apologies again for bumping into you. If there is a way I can repay you, please do not hesitate to ask. I am still in debt to you for what happened." If he had been any other templar, I would not have said such things. I know all too well what happens to the female mages in the tower that say such things to the male templars. Being in debt to one of them can have disastrous consequences. But I trust this man. He was the one who saved me from a similar situation several months ago when I had inadvertently displeased a templar by bumping his shoulder while carrying a stack of books down a staircase. He had demanded 'compensation' for it. When I pleaded and resisted, he began to drag me away by the wrist. It was this templar before me that rescued me. The offending templar was reassigned elsewhere, away from the tower.</p><p>I realize suddenly that I have been staring up at this man while lost in my thoughts. I am unsure how long it has been, but my face quickly reddens, and I duck around him, scurrying down the corridor for the stairs. Not only have I made a complete fool of myself, but I am surely late to meet the First Enchanter.</p><p>Hurried footsteps follow me, the sound of armour clanking with every movement.</p><p>"Astri!" he calls after me. When I do not stop, he calls out again. "Astri! That is your name, is it not?"</p><p>I pause, nearing the top of the staircase. A heavy, shaken sigh leaves my lips and I slowly turn to face him. He is about halfway up the stairs, his dark eyes fixed on me with a kind of desperation that makes me shudder.</p><p>"Yes, ser?" It is not a true answer to his question, but I am unsure how to respond to his use of my name. I had not told it to him, not now, nor when we last encountered each other.</p><p>His body relaxes a little, eyes sparkling across the distance between us. "Are you unwell? You look pale and shaken. I may escort you to the infirmary if it please you."</p><p>Heat rises inside of me again and I turn away slightly to hide the redness of my cheeks. "N-no, ser. Thank you. I am well."</p><p>There is a wave of disappointment in his face that confuses me. "I see. Can I escort you anywhere else?"</p><p>I shake my head quickly. "No, thank you, ser. I know my way around the tower better than most. I must be going. Apologies again." I bow and then scurry out of view, my heart racing, cheeks burning.</p><p>Before reaching the First Enchanter's office, I hide away in a corner behind a pillar to gather my head and to ease my laboured breathing. I had run up multiple flights of stairs and through endless corridors without pause, desperate to get away. For weeks upon weeks after he saved me from that disgusting templar, I had hoped to see him again. I spent my days wandering the corridors, doing all I could to encounter him, but I never did. After endless disappointment I had given up on it. I figured he must have been transferred away or left.</p><p>Now I wish he had.</p><p>When I decide I am calm enough to move, I move back into the corridor and stand before the First Enchanter's door. Eyeing it cautiously, I reach for the handle and step inside.</p><p>Lydia is seated behind her desk, eyeglasses perched on the tip of her nose as she reads the parchment in front of her. Aging and petite, she looks like any other mage from the Circle.</p><p>I stand before her and bow. Lydia has been my mentor for many years and more like a mother to me than my true one. Despite the familiarity of her person and her office, my earlier encounter with the templar has left me rattled and on edge.</p><p>Lydia looks up at me and greets me with a warm smile. "Astri, there you are. I was beginning to worry about you. You are quite late. The luncheon bell will toll any moment-"</p><p>And it does.</p><p>She laughs softly. "Oh well, we have much to discuss. I will try not to keep you too long." She stands elegantly and moves around the desk to stand before me. "I have a great matter I had hoped you might be able to assist me with." She removes her eyeglasses and places them onto her desk. "As you well know, Circles across Thedas are collapsing. The mage-templar war is gaining ground and both sides are becoming increasingly aggressive."</p><p>When she pauses a moment, I nod. "Yes, First Enchanter. You have told me of this before."</p><p>She nods. "It is not something well known within the Circle. Rather, I have kept it as quiet as possible. I have said before that I do not wish to take part in the mess. The Circles are not perfect; however, they are certainly necessary in the world we know today." She begins to stroll casually towards her window, beckoning me to join her.</p><p>"News has arrived of a Conclave that is to be held at the Temple of Sacred Ashes in Ferelden in several weeks' time. I have been invited to represent our Circle at the meeting as part of the neutral side to this war. However, with all that is going on and the delicacy of the situation, I do not think it wise for me to leave." She turns to me. "As my pupil, and one of our finest mages in both values and in skill, I have decided to send you to the Conclave in my place. You shall be my representative."</p><p>Her words and their meaning pass right by me, taking their time to reach my understanding. I stare back at her, confusion on my face in the form of a deep frown and nervous hands that tug at my robes.</p><p>Lydia eyes me curiously, concern on her brow. "Are you unwell, Astri?"</p><p>I shake my head. "No, First Enchanter. I, uh, I am unsure if I heard you correctly. You wish for me to travel to Ferelden to attend the Conclave in your name?"</p><p>She nods, smiling favourably despite my uncertainty. "I had not thought to ask it, thinking you would be certain to accept. But if you do not wish to go, I may reconsider."</p><p>I take a step towards her. "Do you truly mean it? Allowing me to go so far away?"</p><p>"Of course, Astri," she says, a little confused.</p><p>I swallow down hard, a smile twitching on the corners of my mouth. "I accept." My answer needs no thought. While it is terrifying to think I will be travelling so far to somewhere I have never been, the thought of leaving this place, even for a short while, is phenomenal to me. I cannot refuse.</p><p>Lydia's smile widens. "Thank you, my dear. I know you will serve us well, and our cause."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. An Unexpected Visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stepping out of the First Enchanter's office I feel a surge of excitement fill my entire being. Looking down the corridor, there is a brightness about the place that I have never noticed before. The tower has always been a dull place, full of anger, sadness, and loneliness. For the first time I sense hope within its walls.</p><p>There is a skip in my step as I make my way down the staircase. I can hardly believe it. I will be leaving in two days. I have not been outside of these walls since the day I arrived here. Tomorrow marks thirteen years since. It will also be my name day. I will be twenty-three.</p><p>Passing by a window I realize how late it is. I heard the dinner bell just before leaving the office but had not understood its meaning, too caught up in my own thoughts. The sun has now mostly set.</p><p>The First Enchanter had explained everything to me in detail. The war between mages and templars, and the Divine's intentions towards ending it. Lydia made certain I knew to be a neutral party in the matter, but my mind had raised many questions as I listened to her.</p><p>In my thirteen years locked away in this tower I have loathed every second of it. Templars watching from every corner. Never being permitted to leave the building. The only contact I have had with the outside world has been through restricted daily strolls in the central courtyard. But a courtyard surrounded by the tower walls does not allow for even the wind to pass through. It merely offers some fresh air and minimal sunlight. It is not the same. I wonder to myself if this is truly the life mages are meant to live. It certainly does not feel like it. This existence of mine barely qualifies as living.</p><p>As I reach the stairs that lead down to the great hall I hesitate, hand on the balustrade. An image of that templar from earlier flashes into my mind. I wonder if he is waiting for me to return.</p><p>I shake my head and rid myself of the thought. Of course, he is not. He is a templar. He has no interest in befriending a mage. He hates mages as they all do. I am no different to the others in his eyes. I am nothing. As I am to the rest of the world.</p><p>I pause a moment longer but decide that my hunger is more important than my silly fancies.</p><p>I will not allow myself to fancy a wretched templar!</p><p>I continue my way with confidence, a smile wide on my face in anticipation for two days' time when I will be rid of this place.</p><p>I gather a serving of herbed chicken and bread and depart the great hall to enjoy my meal elsewhere. As usual the tables are filled completely, and I am once again uninterested in being smothered amongst a crowd.</p><p>Pausing in the corridor I try to decide where I should go. The library does not allow food and the conservatory closes at dinner time. I consider my options, finally settling on eating alone in my chamber.</p><p>The walk to my room is not particularly long and is surprisingly quiet. The corridors are already mostly deserted with only the odd mage or templar passing by. I keep my mind focused on my mission in Ferelden, marveling in the joy that fills my heart.</p><p>I enter the dormitory through large ornate doors, still cradling my meal and smiling senselessly. Weaving my way towards my room I am looking forward to curling up with my book and hopefully finishing it so I might start fresh on a new one tomorrow and be one book closer to completing my goal of reading every book in the tower.</p><p>As I round the corner my heart drops to the floor when I see a set of templar armour leant against the wall beside my chamber door. With the back turned to me it takes a moment for me to recognize the dark hair and posture.</p><p>I fumble around, trying to think of a place to hide. When it becomes stupidly obvious that I could simply retreat around the corner I lose my opportunity to escape as he hears me and turns to face me.</p><p>I freeze under his gaze. Fear begins to fill me. All the time I spent fantasizing over this man and thinking so highly of him. Yet here he is, standing in front of my bedroom door. Suddenly I do not feel so safe with him.</p><p>My body begins to tremble, and my palms turn sweaty. I do not like this one bit.</p><p>He stands himself up straight, brushing himself off as though making himself presentable. He clears his throat.</p><p>"Astri, ah-Lady Trevelyan- "</p><p>I wince at the sound of my last name. I may be a member of one of the most prominent Houses in Ostwick, but I have no connection to that family aside from the blood in my veins. It has been thirteen years since I saw any of their faces. I have not had even a single letter. Hearing that name is like being slapped across the face, made worse by the lingering unrest within me that he knows my name at all. I suppose it would not be hard for a templar to find out such things. He has likely already read all there is to know of me from my records.</p><p>"W-what are you doing here, ser?" I ask, voice as shaken as the rest of me.</p><p>Something in his face changes and he begins to look a colourful shade of embarrassed. "Forgive me," he says. "It was not my intention to seek you out this way. You must think me frightfully ill-mannered to be waiting by your bed chamber like this." There is a flush of pink across his cheeks that makes my heart flutter. The sight takes me by surprise. It is as though he is consumed by nerves. I wonder for what. It cannot be over me. Could it? The way his hands fuss over each other and the way his voice cracks ever so slightly with each sentence has me thinking he means to do me no harm.</p><p>I find myself biting my lip to hold back a smile, however being quite unsuccessful. Despite myself I cannot help but think he is quite adorable. For such a large, built, strong man, he is surprisingly boyish.</p><p>His face instantly reddens at my smile. "I am sorry, my lady, I am not very good at this sort of thing." He runs a hand along his hair. "What I had meant by all this was to simply request to speak privately with you. Away from, well, everyone."</p><p>The warmth within me grows and I can feel the heat reaching my ears. I cling onto my meal harder for fear of dropping it.</p><p>"I see," I say, glancing around us. "Well, ser, I do believe we are alone now."</p><p>His eyes widen and he looks around as I did before letting out a small laugh that sounds more like a sigh. "Indeed." His black eyes meet mine again while he considers his thoughts. And then he steps towards me.</p><p>Despite the warmth I feel for him, when he steps forward, my reaction is to step backwards, keeping the distance the same.</p><p>He eyes me cautiously for a moment before raising both hands in a show of good will.</p><p>"I will not hurt you," he says, his voice so gentle it sends shivers down my spine. "I would never hurt you."</p><p>I chew the inside of my cheek. His tone is unlike anything I have heard before. I wonder if this is that sultry tone spoken of in those romance novels that I had obsessed over years ago. Looking into his eyes I believe it must be. The gentle intensity in them is disarming. I could melt beneath that gaze. I am melting under it. I cannot decide if I find my response to him wonderful or terrifying. He is disarming me so easily, and I am allowing him to.</p><p>He takes another step towards me, watching carefully for my response. When I make no effort to retreat, he continues several more until we are little more than an arm length apart.</p><p>Having him this close I am reminded of how much larger he is than me. I have always been shorter than most humans. And petite. I have had many comments on my tiny frame. I have always wished I were larger. Perhaps I might have been able to better protect myself if I were.</p><p>The templar stands more than a head and shoulders above me and is at least three times my body width across the shoulders. I feel tiny in front of him. No wonder I went flying when we collided earlier, and he was able to catch me so easily. I must weigh the same as a small sack of potatoes to him. Essentially nothing at all.</p><p>I swallow as his eyes bore into mine. "Ser, I-"</p><p>"Gabriel," he says, cutting me off with a smile. "My name is Gabriel. You never asked, so, there it is."</p><p>I blink. He is right. I have never asked his name. I had not even thought to. I feel a flush of guilt flood over me. Some big part of me had forgotten that templars had names too. It is foolish, but it is the truth. I had never even wondered at his name.</p><p>"I apologize," I say, feeling silly and averting my eyes. "That was rude of me."</p><p>He shakes his head. "No, I understand. Templars, we are not close with the mages. Not as we ought to be." He blushes wildly and stutters. "I-I did not mean like that. Simply, we are like strangers when we should be companions. At the very least colleagues."</p><p>My eyes dart back to his and I eye him eagerly. That is not the mentality I had expected from a templar. Especially one here. The mage-templar war has been kept as hushed by them as it has been by Lydia.</p><p>After a long moment I find myself settling on his eyes once more. "I agree." My tone is low and sincere. Despite all that Lydia said to me earlier in her office, my mind still spins with questions. Why must we remain impartial? Why must we mages be locked away in Circles? Are we truly that dangerous? Or is this all simply an excuse for those who fear our powers? Could mages truly be free? Could we one day coexist with templars happily? As equals? Or must we destroy each other to find peace?</p><p>Carried away by my thoughts again, I forget the now and the man standing in front of me. I am recalled to the present as he closes some of the gap between us with a nervous half step.</p><p>I am torn on what to do. Do I move away, or do I remain where I am? What do I want? Or the better question; what does he want? Why is he even here?</p><p>A large hand raises slowly, edging towards my face inch by inch. My heart begins to race as it passes my hands, still wrapped around my now cold dinner. But it halts there.</p><p>"Have you not eaten?"</p><p>I shake my head once, heart still pounding.</p><p>His hand reaches for mine, taking my tiny fingers into his enormous ones. "Come with me." He tries to pull me along with him, but I hold my ground, eyes wide and panic clear in my eyes. He looks down at me tenderly, this time his free hand goes directly to my face, a thick finger trailing along my cheek. I shudder. "You can trust me."</p><p>When he pulls again, I relent. We pass no one as we weave through the dormitory, but when we reach the entrance, voices of approaching mages cause Gabriel to drop my hand abruptly.</p><p>He leans into my ear, his breath hot against my skin causing my breath to catch in my throat. "Follow close behind me. We will try not to attract attention that way."<br/>
As mages begin to stream in through the doors after finishing their meal in the great hall, Gabriel steps out in front of me, hiding my tiny person behind his broad shoulders. His body in front of mine feels like an enormous wall. I cannot decide if it feels like a protective fortress or yet another prison meant for locking me away from the world.</p><p>But I do as he said, unsure of where we are headed, but willing to trust him enough to obey. As we walk, I feel like his shadow. I never stray more than a step from him, trailing him as he leads me through narrow halls that I have never used before. These are not the areas meant for mages.</p><p>Fear prickles on my skin and I edge even closer to him. We stop suddenly when a door opens, and several templars pass by. Gabriel is sure to keep me hidden behind his back, nodding to his comrades, and waiting for them to leave.</p><p>Sweat trickles down my spine and I realize I have reached out a hand to grip his belt. For a moment I cannot believe what I have done. But when he does not react, I assume he did not notice. As he steps to continue moving, I am dragged along. I do not notice when he peers over his shoulder with a smile.</p><p>It is not long until we slip into what appears to be a storage room. It is here that he turns to me, careful enough that I am sure he must have felt me being dragged behind him.</p><p>My cheeks redden as he looks down at me. He reaches for my food.</p><p>"Pass that to me. The kitchen is beyond this door. I will have them put together a fresh meal."</p><p>My heart swells. That is what he snuck me down here for? For food? I chew on the inside of my cheek. I had not expected that.</p><p>I pass my food to him, hands brushing in the process. He offers a smile and then disappears through the door without a word. I look around me, unsure what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to hide? Was I supposed to follow? No. I am a mage. I need to keep out of view.</p><p>I spy a stack of crates to my left, eyes going between them and the door we came through. If a templar walks in and sees me I have no idea what would happen to me. Without Gabriel I feel fear for my safety. I never noticed how scared I truly am until now I have been with him. It has made me realize how defenseless I and my fellow mages truly are in what is supposed to be our home, our safe haven.</p><p>Giving into my fear I slide behind the crates, doing my best to soften my rapid breathing. It is deathly quiet save the odd shout or clang from inside the kitchen. A small eternity passes, and I begin to realize how hungry I am. My stomach growls, filling the room with embarrassing sounds. I am glad Gabriel was not around to hear that.</p><p>The door to the kitchen opens abruptly and then closes. Silence. My heart begins to race. Is it Gabriel? I cannot see from here.</p><p>"Astri?" Gabriel whispers.</p><p>Relief. I step out from behind the crates, smiling wryly. "Sorry," I say. "I wasn't sure what to do. I thought I should hide."</p><p>There is a hint of something in his eyes as he looks at me. Sympathy perhaps. Whatever it is it is gentle and heartwarming. My heart races again. I never expected to feel this way about a templar. Well, anyone really.</p><p>He looks down at the dish in his hand, nerves getting the best of him. "The cook had some leftovers from dinner. They are still warm. I have not taken my dinner either. I thought..." He clears his throat as his words catch. "I thought we might eat together."</p><p>I step towards him, offering a bright smile that is easily the sincerest one I have given him. The heat I had felt in my cheeks moves from my face to the rest of my body. "I would like that."</p><p>I can see the blush on his cheek as it consumes him to his ears. I had been wrong. He genuinely cares for me. He would not be this openly nervous if he did not. I do not fear him at all in this moment. If anything, I want to be closer to him.</p><p>Gabriel blinks as though recalling where we are. He moves to me, pressing me to his back again. With a large hand he guides mine to his belt. I blush violently at the touch.</p><p>"Keep close," he says softly, his deep voice rasping. "I have somewhere in mind where we shall not be disturbed."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A Templar and A Door</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>NSFW warning for this chapter just in case. Enjoy *winky face*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We stand before a small door in a distant corner of the tower. It is not an obvious door, tucked away behind a curtain and a stack of crates. My eyes find a window beside it that shows nothing but darkness beyond.</p><p>This door leads outside! Not the kind of outside the courtyard is designed for. No, this is on the outer wall of the tower. Beneath is surely the crashing waves of the ocean.</p><p>My heart rises to my throat as he unlocks it and lets the door swing open. A cold wind sweeps into the corridor, wrapping itself around my body. The way my entire body screams at the sensation brings tears to my eyes. It has been thirteen years since I felt the wind on my skin.</p><p>Gabriel looks back to me with soft eyes. "I am not supposed to do this," he says in a low voice. "But I trust you. You won't make me regret it."</p><p>My eyes meet his, my tears trailing down my face to where my lips are pulled upwards in a brilliant smile. "I-I," I try to find my words. "Gabriel. Thank you." I walk directly to him and reach a hand to touch his cheek. He jerks away a little at the touch, shock evident on his handsome face. When he realizes what I am doing he moves his face to meet my palm, a heartwarming smile on his lips. His eyes close briefly and my heart sings.</p><p>I think I may have feelings for this man.</p><p>I hesitate at the doorway, savouring the moment before I step out into the night. The wind weaves its way around me, embracing me, beckoning me. I let it pull me further.</p><p>Gabriel catches my arm. "Be careful. We are exceedingly high up here."</p><p>I touch his hand. "I will be." He lets me go reluctantly. Moving forward towards the edge of the balcony I find myself peering down over the side. In the moonlight I can make out the foam of the waves as they crash against the tower far below. I smile brightly down at them. For the first time since I was brought here, I can hear it. I can hear those waves.</p><p>"Astri." His voice is so soft it sends prickles across my skin. "Come eat."</p><p>My stomach grumbles as though in agreement and I am thankful that the waves seem to drown it out.</p><p>Gabriel has set out our food and is seated with his back against the outer wall of the tower. He signals to a space next to my serving. I seat myself the same way, eyes fixed on the open world before us. Every time the wind blows around us, I feel a rush of excitement rise within my chest that leaves me gasping for air. I have never felt so blissful.</p><p>I eat slower than my body might have wanted, grazing for the most part, too distracted by my overwhelmed sense. Gabriel tries to match my pace but fails miserably, eventually giving into his hunger and completing his meal well before I do.</p><p>I am unsure how much time passes as we sit there, saying little to nothing. What makes me the happiest is that he does not press me with any questions, or even any small talk. He just watches the darkness with me, silent and content. The way his features relax as he looks to the moon and out over the water. The way his breathing is slow and deep. I find myself glancing over at him more often than I mean to. He will have noticed my eyes on him for sure.</p><p>After a while I try to get a hold of myself. I cannot tell what it is that is making my heart race and my body ache. Is it the wind? Is it being outside like this for the first time in over a decade? Or, is it perhaps this man to my left?</p><p>Despite my best efforts my eyes move to him again, and this time they meet his. I panic, stuck between the urge to run, and hide and the urge to keep his gaze forever. His eyes are both intimidating and captivating.</p><p>How could I feel this way about someone I barely know? It just does not make sense to me. I feel like a stupid child. A woman is not supposed to fall this easily. Am I making a mistake by letting myself open up to him? Am I going to regret this?</p><p>Maker, please let this be real.</p><p>Gabriel turns towards me, his eyes deepening into mine in a way that they have never done before. For a moment, my body stiffens, as though threatened by something in them. But there is warmth in them, the same warmth they always have when they look at me. I am beginning to believe that it is real. That look is real.</p><p>"Astri, um, my lady. May I call you by your first name?"</p><p>I smile. "You may."</p><p>He returns my smile and gives a nod. "Astri." He clears his throat, trying to build confidence for whatever it is he intends to say next. "I know mages and templars are not the allies that they ought to be. We are often, well, most times quite the opposite. But I do not want to live that way. I do not see mages as my enemies, nor as my prisoners. I never wanted to become your captor. I hope that you do not think of me as such. As you do the others..." His voice trails off and he averts his eyes. I can see the emotion in his face as it twists in pain. His words are so pure and genuine they make my heart sing. I did not know there were templars that felt this way. Even majority of mages do not share that sentiment. They simply hate the templars for what they stand for. As have I. But there is something different about him. I cannot imagine hating him.</p><p>Driven by the pain I can see in his eyes I find myself moving to sit directly in front of him. We are close enough that our knees all but touch. His eyes dart to me, surprise written all over his face. My hand cups his face as it did in the doorway. This time he does not pull away. His eyes flutter closed, and he presses further into my touch.</p><p>"You are not my enemy," I say, my voice low and filled with emotion. "You never have been. That day when that other templar..." My voice cracks, tears in my eyes. His eyes open at the sound of my voice. One of his large hands covers mine as if to comfort me. The touch only makes me more emotional. "What you did..." Another crack. "You saved me. I cannot imagine what I would be if you had not stepped in. Would I be broken like those other girls who were not lucky enough to have someone stand up for them? Or would I be...dead?"</p><p>His jaw clenches, rage flashing across his dark eyes, burning like a raging fire. "I would never let that happen. He was lucky I did not strike him down on the spot. If we had been anywhere else, I would have."</p><p>I shake my head. "No, there was no need."</p><p>He looks at me, anger still in his eyes, brows knitted together hard. "Yes, there was. What he intended to do...there is no excuse for it."</p><p>I smile up at him. "No there is not. But I am safe. I just pray that he cannot harm another where he is now, wherever that is."</p><p>"He was reassigned to Kirkwall," Gabriel says through gritted teeth. "But he did not report in."</p><p>I frown, dropping my hand from his face. "Then he- "</p><p>"Yes, most likely."</p><p>He has joined the war on the side of the templars.</p><p>Gabriel looks down at me, his face softening a little. "You are the First Enchanter's student, is that right?"</p><p>I nod. "Yes, I am. She took me in several years ago. I was the top of my class. Well, top of all of the classes." I shift awkwardly as I talk about my accomplishments. "I have been assigned a special task, actually." I hesitate, unsure if I am allowed to talk about it. I panic a moment. Lydia had not said anything about keeping it from the templars, so I had not thought to be quiet about it until now. I should have asked her.</p><p>Gabriel nods, smiling softly. "Yes, I heard. You are to travel to the Conclave as her representative."</p><p>A sigh of relief escapes my lips. "Ah, yes. I had just come from her office when I found you, uh, at my door."</p><p>His cheeks redden and he scratches his ear awkwardly. "Ah, I see."</p><p>"When I left you on the stairs, I was on my way to see her. I was already extremely late."</p><p>Understanding fills his eyes. "Oh, I see. I thought that-" He hesitates.</p><p>"That I was running away from you?" I say with a wide smile.</p><p>He smiles unevenly. "Well, yes." He gives a small chuckle.</p><p>"Well I was," I say through a laugh. "I was also late for the meeting."</p><p>His smile falters. "Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? It would only be natural for you to be, so I understand if I do."</p><p>I meet his eyes fully and shake my head. "No. I am not uncomfortable."</p><p>He looks at me with a frown again. "Then why did you run from me?"</p><p>I sigh, my heart racing. He is pressing me for an answer that will tip the balance of this situation. I eye him for a moment longer. If I do not say it now, I may never say it. I have already come this far, sneaking away with him. I have broken more rules tonight than I have in the last thirteen years I have been in the Circle. Truthfully, I have never broken a rule until now.</p><p>"You make me nervous," I say in a hurry to have it said before I change my mind and retreat back into myself. "But in a good way. The way you look at me....it makes my heart race."</p><p>By the look on his face that had not been the answer he was expecting. He looks as though I might have slapped him. His eyes widen, his mouth opening in shock the smallest bit.</p><p>I blush intensely and feel the heat rising to the top of my head. I think perhaps I was too honest.</p><p>I am about to retreat to my corner when two large hands cover either side of my face and my mouth is covered in an intense, deep kiss. I freeze, trapped from almost every direction by this enormous man. My initial response is panic, but as his lips move over mine, I feel the heat moving from my head, spreading down throughout the rest of my body, settling within me in an intense form of desire. Something I have not felt before.</p><p>My heart threatens to beat right out of my chest as my body softens. My mouth begins to respond to his with more passion than I had expected. Within a few kisses I feel his tongue pressing on my lips, begging for me to let it through. I oblige, my own tongue reaching to meet his, tangling with it gleefully, sending shivers down my spine, urging me to press closer to him.</p><p>Large hands move from my face, along my neck, shoulders and then down the length of my back, slowly and sensually. More shivers. I reach for him, grabbing onto his breastplate and pulling myself into his lap. Immediately his grip on me tightens.</p><p>My mind is like fog and sparks. I cannot tell where my thoughts and desires meet. Logic tells me I should pull away now. This can still happen; it does not need to go this far yet. I can pull away and tell him I want to go slow. He will understand. He cares about me. He will understand.</p><p>A small groan escapes Gabriel's lips, making its way into mine. The sound of his desire reignites my own and I pull further into him, frustrated beyond reason by the armour blocking me from his body.</p><p>Without really thinking properly about it my hands search desperately for the clasps that hold it together.</p><p>Gabriel pulls away from me then, clearly aware of what I had been trying to do. He grabs my hands and brings them to my lap.</p><p>"No," he says softly, his body trembling and breathing heavily. I can see the desire in his eyes. They yearn for me, but there is also something there that stands in front of it like the bars of a prison cell.</p><p>Embarrassment washes over me and I pull away from his hands.</p><p>What came over me? Why did I do that? My head spins with questions and reprimands. Why did I do that?!</p><p>He groans and smacks a hand into his forehead. "No, Astri. I did not mean it like that. I do want you. I just, I am not sure it is such a good idea. Not now. Not here." He sighs. "You are aware as I am of these things. What they can mean, what it can become. I do not want to push you too far. I will not hurt you that way."</p><p>I want to understand. I want to say that I agree with him. I was moving far too fast. But I cannot hide my disappointment. And that makes me even more embarrassed. I let my guard down for the first time in my life, and now I feel rejected by him even though I know that is not what he meant.</p><p>My eyes look out over the ocean again as I try to calm myself. My heart is still pounding.</p><p>Gabriel does not move, nor does he say anything.</p><p>I sigh and begin to stand. "It is late," I say in a low, shaken voice. "I should go."</p><p>Am I crying? I wipe my cheek and find it damp.</p><p>Gabriel sees this and curses under his breath. He reaches for me, his long arm crossing the distance between us easily. He takes my wrist and pulls me easily to him. He wraps an arm around my waist and guides my hand to his shoulder, running my fingers along the buckles of his chest plate.</p><p>He looks down at me, seeing my eyes widen he holds me tighter. "We do not have to do anything. However, I want to feel you against me. Even if it is just for an embrace."</p><p>My heart flutters with such an intensity that it feels like it is climbing out through my throat. I swallow against it, beginning to shake again. The softness in his voice still echoes in my mind as I begin to undo the buckles. He watches me as I work on them with eyes so gentle and content that it makes my body sing.</p><p>The day has certainly not gone the way I had expected when I woke from my nightmare this morning. There has been absolutely nothing normal or dull about it.</p><p>After a moment, the chest plate gives way and shifts down on Gabriel's torso. He grasps it with his free hand, pulling it away from him and placing it aside. Where the chest plate had been is now only his thin underclothes. Even in the moonlight I can see his muscular body beneath them. Despite being without his armour-his gauntlets the next to go-he is still incredibly broad. If I wrapped both my arms around his chest, I doubt my fingers would ever touch.</p><p>Gabriel takes my hand and guides it to his chest. When my fingers make contact with it, I feel him shudder beneath my touch. My heart skips a beat from both his response to my touch and the excitement I feel from the texture of his muscles. He is incredibly handsome, beautiful even. His black hair that is normally perfectly kept is slightly tousled, long stands broken free of his braid and hanging down his face. The moonlight bounces off him, illuminating him like some deity. His tan skin has turned fair in the white light. Truly he is breathtaking. I can hardly understand how someone like him would ever show interest in me.</p><p>His fingers brush through the length of my golden hair, releasing it from the fumble of a plait I had put it in this morning in my rush to get to the library.</p><p>Oh shit! My book!</p><p>Gabriel feels me stiffen against him. "Would you like me to stop?"</p><p>I blink at him and shake my head. "No! I just realized I left my book on one of the crates in the kitchen storage room."</p><p>He blinks down at me for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter. I watch him with sparkling eyes. I have not heard that sound from him before, but I wish I could hear it all the time. It is a magical sound.</p><p>"Here I thought I was doing my best to turn you on, and you are thinking about your book?"</p><p>My face turns bright red at his choice of words. My body is screaming at me.</p><p>He places his hand on my face, drawing me nearer to him so that our noses almost touch. "You are incredible. Truly."</p><p>My eyes drop to his lips as they remain pulled up in a radiant smile. As though reading my mind his mouth meets mine, hot and passionate. He wastes no time reintroducing his tongue to mine. Instantly he releases a loud moan and I draw myself further into him.</p><p>I never want this night to end.</p><p>I climb into his lap, pressing myself against him. Another moan. I shiver at the sound. I adore that sound as much as his laugh.</p><p>I feel a tug at the back of my robes, a hand pulling at the laces. My mind tries to reason with the rest of me once again. We do not have to do this. I can stop it here.</p><p>But I do not want to. Even if this goes no further beyond tonight. Even if we never speak again. I do not care. I want him. Badly.</p><p>I grab my mass of golden hair and bring it over my shoulder allowing for easier access to the ties of my dress. Gabriel's mouth smiles against mine. There is a thrill in knowing that I have got my way on this. To think he wanted to go slowly for my sake, only to be surprised when I wanted more. It makes my body hotter just thinking about it.</p><p>Cold air covers my back and I shiver.</p><p>"Are you cold?" he says against my lips.</p><p>"No," I reply quickly. "Just hold me."</p><p>He smiles again and presses into me harder. His large hands move inside my robes effectively covering my exposed skin. The warmth and the touch make me shiver again, this time along with a small moan.</p><p>The sound ignites something in Gabriel. He removes his hands from my back and leans into me, forcing me down onto the ground with his body. The balcony floor is cold but with the heat from my stimulated body it comes more as a comfort than a hindrance.</p><p>Gabriel hovers over me, breaking our kiss to look me over. His eyes are hungry, that burning passion from earlier having grown tenfold. He reaches a hand to touch my cheek. He trails his fingers down my jaw, along my neck and down to my collarbone. As it continues it picks up the neckline of my robes and draws it downwards. I watch his face as his eyes follow his hand.</p><p>The robe moves with ease over the small peaks of my average sized breasts. The instant they reveal themselves to the cool night air they harden, and I feel them tingle under Gabriel's gaze.</p><p>He releases the robe halfway down my stomach, turning his full attention to my freshly exposed upper body. His kisses resume on my collarbone before trailing down to my left breast. He takes the nipple into his mouth, sucking eagerly, his tongue making circles. The sensation that flows through me is phenomenal. I have read short versus on this sort of thing in those romances I read long ago. But experiencing it is completely different to what I had imagined. My body is on fire.</p><p>My hands find his shoulders, stroking them, then his neck, before entering his hair. My fingers tug at his braid. It falls apart in my hands, his long black hair collapsing over his face. My body tingles at the sight of him over me. Sweat has already begun to coat both of us despite the cool breeze. His hair clings to him sexily and so does his thin undershirt. I can see far more of his muscles when he sits upwards again, eyes moving over me as though imprinting my body into his mind.</p><p>His large hand covers my right breast and he looks down into my eyes. There is a flash of seriousness amongst the burning desire.</p><p>"Are you sure you want this?" he asks, his voice surprisingly weak. "I can stop." At those words I can see how his eyes disagree. He does not want to stop.</p><p>And neither do I.</p><p>I nod, smiling warmly. "I am sure."</p><p>There is not a second delay. His mouth crashes into mine, his tongue piercing into my mouth with an eagerness that makes me laugh a little despite myself.</p><p>After several minutes of pure kissing he sits upright again, his shirt on the floor with his armour in no more than a second. The moonlight highlights his body perfectly and I find myself gawking at the shape of him. Muscles upon muscles. He is extraordinary.</p><p>Gabriel's hands find the neckline of my robes again, this time determined to do away with the whole thing. I raise my legs for him so he can ease the robes off more smoothly. He thanks me with a few kisses on the back of my calf as it is close to his face in the moment.</p><p>The robes join the armour and his undershirt.</p><p>Gabriel's hands curl around my calves, fingers wrapping the full circumference of my thin limbs. I must look ridiculous beneath him. I am tiny compared to him.</p><p>His hands tug at my legs, opening them with gentle guidance. My face immediately grows insanely hot when his eyes move directly to the place between them. I begin to panic, my nerves momentarily getting the best of me.</p><p>Hands move to my thighs and I shudder under the touch. I cannot believe what I am doing. I am about to lose my virginity to a templar. Never have I imagined such a thing.</p><p>Gabriel pauses, eyes moving up the length of my body to meet my eyes. The raging passion falters, replaced with a gentle warmth that wraps itself around me like an embrace.</p><p>I wonder if he thought of me as often as I thought of him during the time between that day months ago and today? Had he wanted to see me as badly as I had wanted to see him? Had he tried to find me?</p><p>He lowers himself over me, one insanely strong arm supporting his body weight so that he does not crush me. In this position his face is directly above mine. I can feel his breath on my face. Some of his hairs tickle my cheek but I ignore them. He is breathtaking. He looks like some mythical warrior.</p><p>He stays like that for a short while, his breathing heavy, black eyes fixed on mine. I reach up and touch his face. He smiles softly. And then the kisses return. They are as deep as they had been before. My head spins as his tongue wrestles mine. His teeth chew on my bottom lip and I let out several moans to show my satisfaction.</p><p>"I adore that sound," he huffs between kisses. "Do it again." His free hand grips my breast and I breathe inwards sharply. He smiles against my lips. "Even better."</p><p>I shudder. There is a sensation building within me alongside this incredible need for more of him. Physically he does not feel close enough. I need more.</p><p>My hands reach for his belt. I tug at it, not understanding the mechanics of it in the slightest.</p><p>He chuckles into my lips. "Someone is eager."</p><p>"Stop talking and help me," I pant in reply.</p><p>Another chuckle. He removes his hand from my breast and joins in working against his stubborn belt. It comes apart easily for him.</p><p>With that silly contraption out of the way I help ease his robes down until he can kick them off himself. As my hands move back up towards his chest the back of my hand accidently bumps his parts and I startle. My jump in response has him laughing yet again.</p><p>"It won't bite."</p><p>I blush violently. I am not particularly good at this. "S-sorry," I stutter.</p><p>He pauses kisses to touch my face with gentle fingers. "You do not need to apologize. I understand. You are allowed to be nervous."</p><p>I look up at him, eyes searching his face. "You are not nervous."</p><p>He shakes his head. "You would be wrong. I am extremely nervous. It has been a while since I did this. Especially with someone I hold dear."</p><p>I swallow the lump in my throat. Just by looking at him it should have been obvious this was not his first time. I avert my eyes to hide my pang of jealousy and rising distress.</p><p>Gabriel moves his head to peer into my eyes again. "What is it?"</p><p>I try to turn my head further away but this time his hand tugs it back to look at him.</p><p>His tone has turned low and serious. "Tell me."</p><p>I sigh. "Unlike you, this is my first time."</p><p>His face softens. "I understand." He leans in to kiss me, this time it is gentle, sensitive. "And I am honoured."</p><p>He lowers his body onto mine. Not fully, but enough that we are touching across almost every inch of our beings.</p><p>His kisses trail along my jaw, down my neck and then back along the same path to my mouth once more. Then he pauses one last time.</p><p>"Are you ready?"</p><p>I swallow hard and nod. I am sure my expression screams the opposite, but he accepts my nod and returns to kissing me, deeper and stronger than before.</p><p>Instantly I feel the heat rise in me again and my hands move to stroke the length of his sides and back. He shudders under my fingers and moans softly. My touch encourages what comes next.</p><p>He presses against me taking several attempts to find the right place.</p><p>And then it happens. It is only a little at first. I flinch, his width definitely a little more than my body is built for.</p><p>A little deeper. The pain hits then and I let out a small squeak.</p><p>Gabriel stops immediately. "I'm so sorry. Am I moving too fast?"</p><p>I shake my head, puffing out my cheeks and doing my best to relax myself. "I just need to calm down. I am too nervous I cannot relax."</p><p>He nods. His free hand sliding along my body, across my stomach and sides. My skin crawls with excitement under his touch, responding with an eagerness that aids our attempts to continue.</p><p>Moans escape my lips in rapid succession and soon I have reached my limit of what my body can take of him. It is not all of him, perhaps an inch short, but it is more than enough for me.</p><p>Gabriel trails his hand down further, settling it on my thigh. One last kiss on the neck and then his lips engulf mine.</p><p>His kisses are passionate, but his movements are slow and considerate. If I even shift slightly, he checks to make sure I am okay before proceeding. Eventually my body has fulfilled its response to him and his movements glide with ease. The pain almost completely disappears, and he begins to build some momentum.</p><p>As his pace changes, so does the sensation. My fingernails dig into his flesh a little harder than I should have let them, but his moans cloud my mind and shove away any voice of reason left inside my head.</p><p>Our breathing becomes so rapid that we are fighting each other for air. Our lips move together with such eagerness that my lips begin to feel tingly, as though they may go completely numb.</p><p>As the time drags on, I beg the heavens for a release. I know it is coming, but it still feels so far away.</p><p>I believe Gabriel feels the same way as he brings his knees up under my legs, lifting my off the ground.</p><p>On the next push I fight back a scream. It comes out as a strangled shriek against his lips. But he does not stop. And he did not need to. It was not from pain.</p><p>The buildup comes quickly. Within only a handful of thrusts I am teetering on the edge. With several more, I am gone. My body shudders under his, tightening around him. He must have felt it because he kisses me deeper and trails his fingers along my side, drawing it out for a few extra seconds before I relax under him, aching blissfully. I have never felt anything like it.</p><p>His movements hasten, pushing a little deeper than before. I push against him, doing what I can to aid him. It helps because moments later he too reaches his peak. His kisses falter as he moans and gasps. Then he goes soft all over, all the rage from moments ago flushed from him.</p><p>He pulls away from our kisses, breathing as laboured as me. He smiles down at me and kisses my forehead.</p><p>With all my hormones back to normal the reality of everything that just happened comes fully to the front of my mind. Looking up at his sweet smile and flushed face I wonder what tomorrow will bring.</p><p>We rest only briefly, both of us realizing that curfew is most likely moments away. Neither of us had heard the toll of the bell, but we had been incredibly preoccupied, so it was possible we had missed it.</p><p>I can feel Gabriel's eyes on me as I stand to pull my robes back over my body. When I catch him eyeing me, he turns away with red cheeks and chuckles softly.</p><p>"Sorry," he apologizes.</p><p>I laugh. "There is no need for an apology. You have seen it all now."</p><p>His blush deepens. I doubt I will ever get used to seeing such a large, strong man who blushes so easily. It is adorable.</p><p>My smile falters a little. I may not get to see it again. I am a mage. He is a templar. While a relationship is not illegal, it is frowned upon. Lydia would be furious.</p><p>I let out a sigh and turn away, my fingers failing to tie the laces of my robes.</p><p>I can feel Gabriel as he stands behind me. His hands brush over mine, taking the laces from me and beginning to tie them himself. His fingertips trace the length of my spine a final time, making me shudder, before he completes the knot.</p><p>There is only silence then, aside from the crashing waves far beneath us. I wonder if his mind is working through the same process of thought as mine. The one that leads to this never happening again and us going our separate ways.</p><p>"I will walk you to your dormitory." His fingers wind around mine and he pulls me towards the door. He locks it behind us, triple checking the lock, before guiding me down the hall. He does not attempt to hide me behind him as he did before, and I begin to panic and question what he could possibly be thinking by parading me around like this. We both clearly look guilty of something by our obvious crooked appearances. While Gabriel had attempted to fix his hair, it still did not resemble his usual style even slightly. My own normally somewhat tamed hair now flows about my body like a golden cape.</p><p>Once in the main corridors of the tower my heart begins to race. If anyone sees us there will be no explaining it away. Everyone will know.</p><p>I pull against Gabriel's hand as hard as I can. He instantly stops and turns to me. There is desperation in his eyes, it is woven into his brow. His eyes struggle to meet mine.</p><p>I look up at him, my face a mix of questions and of sympathy.</p><p>"You should let me go." My tone is a lot more leveled than I had expected.</p><p>Pain twists his face, and he squeezes my hand tighter. "Must I?" He has understood my meaning. He must have been thinking what I had been thinking. That this was never meant to work.</p><p>I force a smile as best I can, but I do not feel it. "You know the answer."</p><p>His eyes drop to his hand as it holds mine. "Damn this whole thing." He releases my hand. "If I were not a templar, would you take me then?"</p><p>My heart swells at his question and the desperation in his eyes as he awaits my reply. But my answer is one he will not like.</p><p>"My life will be spent within these walls, Gabriel. If you were not a templar, then we would never see each other again."</p><p>Pain, hurt, anger. So many emotions twist his face. "Then I wish you were not a mage."</p><p>His words hurt me a little, but I know he only said it because he is upset. I move to him and place a hand on his cheek. "No, you do not. You cannot. Because then I would not be me. And that person you just made love to would not exist."</p><p>His eyes search my face, looking for a way to solve it all. But he finds nothing. "I am sorry," he says, his voice low and broken. "I should have never come to your door. I should not have tried to find you."</p><p>Those words feel like a blade to my heart. So, he had tried to find me.</p><p>Maker, why is this world so cruel?</p><p>"Do not be," I say, my tears on the very edge of my eyelids. "I do not regret a thing. Thank you, Gabriel." I remove my hand, place a gentle kiss in his cheek in its place, then continue my way to my dorm on my own. The curfew bell tolls as I turn back to see him slipping away out of view.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Horse and Chantry Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wake far later than I usually do. The sun has already risen, and the other mages who share my room are up preparing themselves for the day. They seem surprised to see me still in the room at such a late hour, and truthfully, I do not blame them. It has not happened before.</p><p>Shame fills me as I wash myself and plait my hair as I do each morning. I do not think anyone saw Gabriel and I last night, but I have this strange feeling like I am being watched. Perhaps I am not. Perhaps this is what guilt feels like.</p><p>I glance at the robes I wore yesterday and shove them under my pillow. They are a painful reminder of something lost. Instead I search for another set of robes in my trunk, deciding on robes made from fine pink and gold silk. My family may not see me, nor send letters, but should I need anything they always send the finest. I have requested several times for simple clothes that allow me to blend in with everyone else. However, each time I have been given clothing such as these. Bright and elegant, enough to have me stand out in a crowd.</p><p>I sigh as I pull my robes into place, tying the last knot in the lace.</p><p>Twenty-three years today. Twenty-three years of a pointless life. Thirteen of those years spent locked in this tower.</p><p>One of the girls from my dorm room invites me to walk with them to the great hall for breakfast. I am so shocked by it that it makes her shift awkwardly.</p><p>"You do not have to, if you do not wish."</p><p>I shake my head and force a smile. "No, no. I apologize. I would enjoy that very much. Thank you."</p><p>She returns my smile and we leave the dormitory as a group.</p><p>The three girls chat happily amongst themselves, gossiping and fooling around. They seem more cheerful than I thought them to be. I have hardly spoken a handful of words to them since I was moved into their room following my Harrowing.</p><p>As we walk, I do my best not to think about the night before. I push Gabriel to the back of my mind, but my eyes are less easy to control and constantly glance around every corner, through every doorway and over every templar's face in hopes of never catching sight of him.</p><p>Thankfully, they do not. Even in the great hall there is no trace of him, and I allow myself to relax ever so slightly. We find some space at one of the tables and huddle together to hear each other over the noise around us. The guilt I feel ties my stomach in knots and I barely touch my meal. The other girls pay little mind to me as they continue to chat away. I find myself retreating within myself as I normally do in social situations, never sure what to say nor how to act.</p><p>The girl that had invited me, Stormi, I believe her name is, looks over to me with curiosity in her eyes and she nudges me softly.</p><p>"Astri? Are you unwell?"</p><p>I find myself letting out a sigh. It seems I must always look unwell since I cannot count the amount of times someone has asked me that question in the last two days.</p><p>"I am just tired," I say, forcing a smile. "I think I might head back to the dormitory to rest a little, if you do not mind."</p><p>Concern knits her brow, but she nods. "Rest well, then."</p><p>I feel more guilt filling me as I take my leave. They had tried to be kind to me, but I only wasted their time.</p><p>I do not go directly to the dormitory, instead weaving through corridors erratically to ensure that I do not encounter Gabriel. And once again I do not. I reach my door without interruption; thankful he is not standing outside of it as he had been last night and hide myself away inside.</p><p>I sigh with relief when the door is closed, resting my back against it, letting my body relax without fear of being found.</p><p>I move to my bed and throw myself down onto it. The warmth and comfort of my blankets soothes my aching heart and I feel as though I want to drift away into another long, uninterrupted sleep.</p><p>Perhaps I ought to nap. I am to leave for Ferelden tomorrow morning.</p><p>My eyes peek open and something on my nightstand catches my attention. A book.</p><p>My body stiffens. That is the book I left in the storage room last night. Gabriel must have come by while I was at breakfast.</p><p>I seat myself with my back against the wall at the head of my bed and reach for the book, taking it into my arms, a finger tracing the title on the cover. Part of me wishes he had waited for me to return, but a larger, more sensible part of me is thankful he did not.</p><p>My eyes shift back to the nightstand where I am puzzled by a letter and a small pouch that I have never seen before. I glance around the room as though to make sure that I am alone, before reaching for both.</p><p>I open the letter slowly, unsure if it is intended for me and praying that it is not from Gabriel.</p><p>My eyes scan the page and find a seal at the base of it. For a moment I do not recognize it. A horse and chantry sun. My mouth goes dry. That is the family crest of House Trevelyan.</p><p>My hands tremble as I hold the letter, unable to bring myself to read the words. My family has never sent me a letter before. The fact that they have makes me fearful of what it might say.</p><p>I fight back a stream of tears as I gather my strength to begin reading. Even the sight of my full name at the top of the page is enough to send shivers of terror down my spine.</p><p>Lady Astri Armani Allira Trevelyan;</p><p>First Enchanter Lydia has informed us of your voyage to Ferelden for the Divine's Conclave. We entrust this gold to you for your journey and pray that the Maker watch over you. We are certain you shall remain a loyal member of House Trevelyan and do us great honour by pleasing our Divine in both duty and manners.</p><p>Regards and safe travels;</p><p>House Trevelyan</p><p>My body trembles with a mixture of sobs and laughter. I can hardly wrap my mind around what I have just read. Not a single letter from them in thirteen years, and the time that they do write it is to remind me of my binding to them. Not a single mention of my name day, and no well wishes beyond the task given to me by the First Enchanter.</p><p>I throw the letter to the floor, unable to stand the sight of it. The coin purse in my lap is heavy, likely filled with a small fortune. I slide it into the drawer of my nightstand. I have no need for money. There is nothing of material that I want. There never has been.</p><p>I crawl under my covers and let the tears continue to flow more freely. The room is filled with the sound of my sobs until I drift off into a dreamless sleep.</p><p>When I reawaken, I am still alone in my chamber. The letter from my family on the floor where it fell. I consider burning it in the hearth. I have no intention of keeping it but decide to tuck it away in my pouch to consider. I fix myself up and decide to head to Lydia's office to go through the details of my journey.</p><p>The sun is lowering on the horizon. I must have slept for most of the day. I am thankful for it. I am counting down the hours until I leave this place.</p><p>Standing before the First Enchanter's office I feel a wave of emotion flood over me. Memories from the day before form a lump in my throat and my fingers wrap themselves in fists in the skirt of my robe. It feels surreal to think of everything that happened between my visit yesterday and now. All of it laced with regret and guilt.</p><p>A voice from behind the door that sounds like a man's alerts me to Lydia not being alone. I center myself and knock on the door with a nervous fist.</p><p>"Come in," Lydia's voice calls through the wood.</p><p>I push the door open and step inside, doing my best to put on a convincing smile to greet my mentor.</p><p>"Good evening, First Enchanter," I say as I bow my head. My eyes lift to discern her guest so that I might greet them appropriately, however the face that I find is one I had hoped never to see again.</p><p>Gabriel looks over at me with a pained expression that I can tell he is trying not to let show.</p><p>I freeze under his gaze, unsure what to say or do. Why is he here in Lydia's office? Had he thought he might encounter me if he came here? I begin to panic as my mind tries to think of a reason that makes sense.</p><p>"Good evening, Astri," Lydia replies with a smile, unaware of the wordless exchange of emotions between Gabriel and I.</p><p>As though snapped from whatever spell he was under by her voice, Gabriel breaks eye contact and bows his head to me respectfully and turns his attention back to Lydia who is seated at her desk.</p><p>"Thank you for your time, First Enchanter. I shall not disappoint you." With a bow he takes his leave. Brushing past me his arm touches mine ever so gently before he disappears from the room.</p><p>Tears threaten in the corners of my eyes, but I force them away as Lydia's eyes settle on me. She signals for me to come be seated across from her. I clear my throat and oblige.</p><p>"Apologies, First Enchanter, I did not mean to interrupt."</p><p>She smiles warmly. "Not at all. Ser Loredan was merely here to bring me a report for the personnel assigned to you trip to Ferelden."</p><p>It takes a moment to understand she is referring to Gabriel by that name. Ser Loredan. He never told me his last name. Though, I do wonder if I have heard it before as it sounds vaguely familiar to me.</p><p>"Ser Loredan?" I repeat. I had not intended to say it aloud and I panic when the words slip from my mouth.</p><p>Lydia nods. "Yes, he is Knight-Commander Amus Loredan's nephew and second in command of the templars here in the Circle. He is a kindhearted young man. I do wonder why he became a templar. I suppose it was expected of him giving his extensive family history with the Order, though he does not seem alike most I have met. He is very sweet. Even to we mages."</p><p>I freeze, all colour draining from my face. Did she just say Gabriel is the Knight-Commander's nephew?! He is the Knight-Captain?! My head begins to spin, and I feel as though I may collapse from my chair.</p><p>Lydia sees my face and is immediately concerned. "Astri, my dear, what is the matter?"</p><p>I swallow hard against the lump in my throat and try to calm myself. "Y-yes, First Enchanter. I-I am sorry. I did not know he was the Knight-Commander's nephew. I was merely shocked."</p><p>Lydia raises an eyebrow. "Do you know Knight-Captain Loredan?"</p><p>I nod, but quickly shake my head in a gesture that likely confuses her. "Yes, but only a little. We have encountered each other a handful of times. He assisted me with something minor several months ago."</p><p>"That does sound like him," she says with a smile. "I am glad he has been kind to you."</p><p>A weird take at humour wills me to laugh at her words. If only she knew the truth, then she would not be nearly as happy about it.</p><p>My mind still cannot comprehend this revelation. Gabriel, the very same man I had given myself to just the night before, turns out to be the second most powerful person in the Circle. Not even Lydia holds his power.</p><p>Maker, what have I done?</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Bittersweet Goodbyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sleep is difficult to come by between the ache in my chest and the rampaging thoughts in my head. No matter the comfort and warmth of my bed, I cannot shake Gabriel's face from my mind. His body against mine. The touch of his hand. The warmth of his kisses. The pain in his eyes when I encountered him in Lydia's office.</p><p>My eyes wander to the rippling flames within the hearth across from my bed. I beg them to captivate me, to take away these feelings that confuse me. But my heart continues to race, memories reeling through my mind. Some sending shivers down my spine, while others bring me to tears.</p><p>Frustration consumes me and I toss aside my blankets. I cannot wait to be gone from here. The journey to the Temple of Sacred Ashes will take more than two weeks. I am likely to be away for well over a month, potentially two. Perhaps in that time Gabriel will be able to forget me. And I him.</p><p>I lean against the small stained window that overlooks the ocean below. There is the faintest sign of sunlight across the horizon. I let out a long breath and wrap my arms around my body. I have had little rest, but I am ready to leave. I cannot stand to be here any longer.</p><p>The trunk I had begun to pack my things into the night before lies open at the foot of my bed. Lydia said to pack lightly so I chose the smallest one I could find. I will take only three robes: two for the journey, and one nicer one of golden silk for the Conclave itself. I chose two books to take with me when I passed by the library on the way back to my chamber the night before. One on magical forms and the other a romance I recall enjoying when I read it years ago. I had thought to bring something more practical, but I had been drawn to it despite myself. I had tucked it at the bottom of my trunk, cheeks burning red.</p><p>As the sunlight on the horizon begins to spread, turning the faraway clouds pink and orange, I draw away from the window and pour water into my wash basin to clean myself. I take my time, making sure to make myself look presentable for the outside world.</p><p>Nerves begin to twist my stomach, causing my heart to flutter. To think that I will be leaving these walls before breakfast, I can hardly believe it. Thirteen years of living within this tower, surrounded by nothing but stone wherever I look. I am both terrified and ecstatic that I will soon breathe fresh air. Feel the wind on my body. Hear birds sing, leaves rustle in the breeze. I want to see it and feel it all.</p><p>I run my hairbrush through my long, thick golden hair, taking time to ensure that it is the finest texture it can be. Looking at my reflection in my mirror I dwell over what to do with it. I have weaved it into a plait every morning for as long as I have lived here. Practical and efficient, it is the style that is easiest for me. I did not have a mother to teach me to do my hair as many of the other girls had. The woman who gave birth to me is nothing but a distant, heart wrenching memory. What I can recall of her is that of a cold, uncaring woman who had little time for me. She might as well have not existed.</p><p>Without knowing what I am trying to do, I wind my hair around my fingers, forming a bun at the back of my neck and tie it in place with a simple ribbon. It is a look that I am not used to and cannot decide if it suits me. Somehow, I look older than I had only moments ago and consider that to be satisfying enough. At twenty-three I am still incredibly young for a mage of my skill, so to think that I may now look as though I am as capable as I truly am makes me straighten my back with pride.</p><p>Laid out on my bed are my choices of robes. A purple set with silver detailing, or the blue robes from my night with Gabriel. My eyes move between them, drawn to the blue robes frequently, my heart tightening with every glance. My jaw clenches as I look down upon them. If I were to wear them it would be a statement. It would show my indifference towards the whole situation. Or, at least I hope it would.</p><p>I groan and snatch up the purple robes. I cannot bring myself to do such a thing. I will not parade my shame and regret around like a heartless wench. I have already caused Gabriel too much pain, as well as myself. I will not seek to deepen it.</p><p>Purple is certainly not my colour. I feel like as mismatched pair of socks as I examine myself in my mirror with a heavy frown. The colour washes away the delicacy of my fair skin and drowns out my face full of light freckles. Even my usually radiant golden hair turns a washed-out copper. I groan but accept it as I have resolved myself to never wear those blue robes again.</p><p>The final item left to gather I find in the top draw of my nightstand. The coin purse from my family. I turn it about in my hand as though considering whether I truly need to bring it with me. But my common sense knows that I must. I shove it hurriedly into my satchel, glad to have it out of my hands for fear it may contain back luck, or perhaps a curse.</p><p>There is a knock at the door that causes me to jump with fright. When I open it, I find a templar in full armour waiting for me. Behind their helmet I meet unfamiliar eyes and am relieved that they are a dark green.</p><p>"It is time to leave, Lady Trevelyan," the templar says in a flat tone. "I am here to escort you and to carry your things."</p><p>I nod and let him into the room. His armour clanks as he bends to retrieve the trunk that I point to. When it is lifted swiftly into his arms, I gather my satchel and cloak and follow him to the door. I pause a moment, glancing around the room behind me and to the faces of the three others as they still sleep, completely unaware of my leaving, nor with any prior knowledge that I would be. They will wake soon enough and wonder what became of me. I wonder what story the templars will tell them, or what Lydia will say. Perhaps I made trouble and was locked away in the dungeons. My guess is that is the most likely.</p><p>"My lady, we must leave now."</p><p>I blink away the tears in my eyes, confused as to why I am crying at all. I want this more than anything in the world. Yet, there is a dull ache in my heart as I wonder what the future holds for me. A lot can change in a month or two. Will I be the same as I am now when I return? Or will I be someone new?</p><p>I ponder these questions as I follow behind the templar down through the tower. Our feet against the stone floor is the only sound as we walk. My eyes burn into the templar's back. He is far shorter than Gabriel and slimmer. I am certain I do not know this man and part of me is disappointed. Despite my regrets, I will miss him. I do miss him. I wish he would hold me once more before I leave. I feel as though we are at our crossroads. From now, we will be forced apart forever. When I eventually return things will not be as they are now. It saddens me to think of it.</p><p>We reach the ground floor far quicker than I expected. Even whilst carrying my trunk the templar has kept a steady pace. Even on the many stairs I had not heard even a grumble from him.</p><p>The templar leads me to the enormous doors that lead into the entrance foyer. In thirteen years, I have never once seen these doors open, save for the day I arrived when I had walked through them for the first time. Truthfully, I had always believed I would die before I would do it again.</p><p>There is a crack of a lock, followed by several more and the doors begin to groan open. I can see the runes and wards that keep the door sealed weaken and flicker into nothingness to allow my passage through. Such a strong, skillful type of magic that I have never been permitted to learn. Only the First Enchanter knows these spells. If I had attempted to walk through them, I would have been severely injured, possibly simply vaporized if I were to believe the stories I was told as a child when I first came here.</p><p>I shudder at the thought of it. Seeing the measures taken to keep mages like myself inside the tower sickens me. I am reminded of my value in this world. I am worthless.</p><p>Walking through the now open doors, I fight the urge to run back inside and hide. Doubt flickers over me and I pray the wards have properly deactivated. When I step over the threshold and am unscathed, I breathe a long sigh of relief.</p><p>The foyer is not what I had expected it to be. In my memories it had looked like the inside of a palace, grand with incredible vaulted ceilings and pillars of stone, trimmed with gold. Circle of Magi tapestries alongside templar banners. While all of it remains, I find the space incredibly dull. The enormous room is dark and cold, the dull scent of damp hangs in the air.</p><p>The templar continues to lead the way along the crimson carpet that leads from the inner door, to the outer. My eyes fixate on the outer door as we approach it. One of the doors rest open, revealing a small glimpse into the world beyond that I have so longed for.</p><p>As the door grows closer, I feel my emotions welling inside of me. I am somewhere between panic and pure bliss as I step through the open door and the sunlight embraces my skin. My eyes instantly flutter closed, clearly unfamiliar with such bright light. I raise my hand to block the sun a little, enough to let me reopen my eyes. The templar has already descended half of the stairs that leads to the courtyard below. I glance one more time at the brightly lit sky above me before hurrying after him with a smile on my lips.</p><p>I catch up to him as he reaches the last step. I hold my skirt in my hands, desperate not to misstep and potentially threaten my ability to part-take in this journey.</p><p>My trunk is swiftly loaded onto the back of a carriage. It is as the templar is buckling it in place that I become aware that we are not the only ones gathered.</p><p>To my right are three templars, fully armored. They eye me warily as I do them. I assume these are the ones who will escort me on my way. They do not look dangerous; however, I am suddenly aware that I will be alone with them soon enough and the thought makes the hairs on my body stand on end with fear.</p><p>The templars' attention is drawn away from me and all three look to the stairs behind me, each giving a salute of a fist over their heart and bowing their heads.</p><p>I turn and see First Enchanter Lydia descending to meet us. To her left are two mages that I do not recognize, and to her right is the Knight-Commander himself. Panic sets in and I fumble to join the templars in their bow. I have only seen Knight-Commander Loredan on a handful of special occasions. The most prominent and most recent being at my Harrowing. He is the one who gave me the lyrium ring on my finger.</p><p>Lydia stands before me, a kind smile on her face. "Good morning, Astri. I hope you slept well. You have quite the journey ahead of you."</p><p>I return her smile as best I can and nod. "I slept as well as I could. I would be lying if I said I am not nervous."</p><p>Lydia nods. "Indeed. I imagine you are. But you will do your duty well. I am certain of it. I have not known a more selfless and pure hearted mage."</p><p>My heart swells with emotion at her words and tears threaten in the corners of my eyes. I am leaving this woman who has been like a mother to me. My greatest support and someone I hold incredibly dear. I will miss her greatly.</p><p>Lydia's smile widens. "Hush, dear. You will have a wonderful journey I am sure." She reaches for me, pulling me into a comforting embrace. I lean into her, grateful to have her courage wrapping around me, adding to my own. I truly would not be the person I am today without her.</p><p>My eyes open slightly under the weight of someone's gaze. Black eyes lock onto mine and I feel my face redden. I had not seen him there, hidden behind his uncle, and the sight of him takes me completely off guard.</p><p>I pull away from Lydia suddenly, startling her a little. But she does not think to ask about it, instead turning to the two mages she brought with her.</p><p>"I would like to introduce you to your mage escorts and our fellow Circle members," she says, gesturing to the people at her side. My eyes follow her hand to the mages she speaks of; however, my mind is elsewhere.</p><p>"This is Nani Valoris," she continues. The young elvhen woman to her left bows, her face beaming with child-like enthusiasm. "Nani is a star pupil, as you are, though several years older than you. I think you both will have very much in common. Nani specializes in fire magic. I know that you have focused on ice and healing, Astri. Perhaps you might learn from each other."</p><p>Knight-Commander Loredan clears his throat. "Use of magic during this excursion will be limited. Do keep any use to a minimum and for educational purposes. We would prefer not to draw attention, what with the state of things as they are."</p><p>I nod in agreement. "Of course, Knight-Commander. I understand." Pushing Gabriel's presence out of mind as much as possible I turn to Nani and return her bow. I can feel those black eyes still on me, but I am determined to succeed on this mission. I cannot fail Lydia or the Knight-Commander.</p><p>"Greetings, Enchanter Valoris," I say with a smile. "I look forward to becoming better acquainted."</p><p>The elf girl beams at me, clearly satisfied by my words. "And I you!" she squeaks. "But please, call me Nani. I do hope we will become friends!"</p><p>Her enthusiasm earns a smile from me. She is adorable and incredibly energetic. I consider myself petite, but she is even shorter than I am and perhaps even slimmer. Her face is rounded with large sparkling green eyes and full lips. Her auburn hair is pulled back in a lopsided ponytail that I wonder is purposefully uneven or has become so from way she bounces when she speaks.</p><p>Lydia turns to the other mage at her side. The man is tall and slender in a way that perfectly displays the difference between templars and the mages from the Circles. He has surely not lifted a sword in his life. As with most mages. Magic does not require the same physical strength as it does to be a warrior. Our strength comes from the mind.</p><p>"Let me introduce Senior Enchanter Caius Arvina," she says. The man bows, his long silver hair falling about his angular face, sharp grey eyes narrow with formality.</p><p>"Caius is one of our finest scholars. He is incredibly well versed in literature and history. He will be an invaluable asset to you at the Conclave."</p><p>I bow, offering a warm smile to this cold looking man. "I am pleased to meet you, Senior Enchanter. I am grateful for any assistance you may offer me. I hope to learn much from you."</p><p>Knight-Commander Loredan chuckles. "You did not tell lies, Lydia, when you said this girl is intelligent. I can see why you chose her."</p><p>The compliment from the Knight-Commander himself catches me off guard. I attempt to thank him for it, but my words fail me completely. This earns another chuckle from him.</p><p>"She is modest," he says with a smile. "Even better."</p><p>My eyes flicker to Gabriel whose eyes have not left me throughout all of this. I can see a familiar warmth inside of them, and the faintest hint of longing. I bite my lip and look away again.</p><p>"Uncle, First Enchanter, the sun has risen quite high already. We ought not to waste any more time." Gabriel's voice sends shivers down my spine.</p><p>"You are right, Gabe," the Knight-Commander says, nodding his head. "You ought to make way. The ship sails at midday."</p><p>Gabriel bows to his uncle and comes to stand before me. I panic at the closeness of his person, unsure what he intends to do. Surely, he cannot mean to do anything too forward in front of all these people.</p><p>He offers his hand. "We must be going, Lady Trevelyan. Allow me to assist you into the carriage."</p><p>I blink up at him. "A-are you to come with us?" I can hardly believe what I just heard, and my words come out as a stutter.</p><p>He nods. "Of course. I am the Knight-Captain. It is my duty to represent the templars of Ostwick Circle as you represent its mages."</p><p>His words make sense. More sense than I would like. Of course, he is coming with us. As he says, he is the Knight-Captain. He is the ideal choice to represent the Order.</p><p>Gabriel offers his hand to me again. "My lady?"</p><p>I clear my throat and take his hand, shivering at the sensation that runs through me at the contact. It brings back some intense memories.</p><p>"Thank you, Knight-Captain."</p><p>I can see him wince at the sound of his title and I feel a pang of guilt laced with satisfaction for it. It feels as though he and I are part-taking in a dance of wills, testing one another on our emotions.</p><p>Lydia offers an elegant wave as Gabriel helps me into the carriage. "Be safe, Astri," she says. "I shall see you when you return."</p><p>I return her smile as best I can. "Thank you, First Enchanter."</p><p>Gabriel's hand leaves mine and he turns away without a second glance. He orders his men to their horses and I watch as he mounts his own with effortless grace, despite his size and the restrictions of his full suit of armour.</p><p>"Farewell, Uncle," he says, his deep voice steady and formal. "First Enchanter." He bows his head and then urges his horse forward.</p><p>Nani and Caius join me in the carriage without a hulking templar to offer them their arm. Nani seats herself beside me, beaming brightly. Caius opts for the furthest corner, paying neither of us much attention.</p><p>As the carriage pulls away, I find myself looking up at the tower I have called my home for over a decade, oddly sad to see it shrinking into the distance. Though the strangest thing to me is that it is so much smaller than I thought it to be. Perhaps it is because when I last saw the outside, I was freshly ten years old. Most things appear larger when you are a child.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Heartbreak on the Waking Sea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stepping onto the ship I can feel my legs begin to shake. The short carriage ride down to the port had been an emotional one. I fought back tears and panic, all the while obsessing over the world around me. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am seeing the faces of complete strangers, the common folk of Thedas. There is no tangible divide to be seen. It is not templar or mage.</p><p>Once at the docks I found myself darting from place to place, feeling more like a child than a grown woman. The templars who ghost us seem to watch my every move, Gabriel as much as the others. Though his eyes are far less severe and there is a hint of a smile within them, a shadow of what I saw two nights ago when he took me to that balcony.</p><p>The wooden deck of the ship creaks with every step, every second board bending under my tiny weight. I can feel a nauseous sensation within my stomach as the ship sways with the smallest of waves. I have never been on a ship before, not even a simple boat.</p><p>Nani grabs a hold of my arm, clearly as disorientated as I am. I can see what I imagine reflects my own distressed expression on her face. I wrap my hands around hers, thankful for her kind heart and support.</p><p>We are shown to our room on the lower deck by a grumpy looking sailor who spends more time grunting that speaking actual words. It is a compact room, lit only by two small candles. There are two bed rolls on the floor and several crates in the corner. Nani lets out a squeak when she sees it and I can sympathize with her. Whilst my life has not been the easiest, I have at least always been fortunate enough to sleep in comfortable beds. I have never slept on a bed roll before. It does not look inviting.</p><p>Nani and I enter the room reluctantly, eyes darting about as though we might encounter a rat scurrying about. I had not expected to travel as a princess, however, no matter my lax ties to my family, as a Lady of House Trevelyan at least by name, I had not imagined such low-class accommodation. Being treated with that hint more respect within the Circle, and being given the nicer things when requested, I have always been aware of the difference bloodline can make in such a place.</p><p>Gabriel enters after us, expression saying little about his thoughts of the accommodation.</p><p>"The ship had only three rooms available and as such there are limited bed rolls for our travel party," he says, his tone the most professional I have yet known it to be. His eyes do not meet mine.</p><p>"I suggest you ladies make yourselves comfortable. I shall take the floor."</p><p>I stiffen at his words. "You are to share the room with us?" The question slips out before I can stop it. My cheeks redden immediately. I do not know why the idea makes me so nervous considering the level of intimacy we have already shared. Yet, sharing a room seems more intimate somehow.</p><p>Gabriel looks to me, his face expressionless. "While we are no longer within the walls of the Circle, I intend to do my duty. We do not know what dangers might arise. I think it is suitable for all parties that I remain by your side."</p><p>His words seem reasonable enough, but I cannot shake the double meaning behind them. I am certain he means to call Nani and I one of said dangers. The redness on my cheeks fades quickly, replaced with a frown.</p><p>"Very well." My tone is cold and abrupt. I turn away from him and join Nani at the small window. Peering outside I can see the ship has left the port completely. The land has begun to shrink into the distance. I close my eyes and imprint the image in my mind. This will be my first time outside of the Free Marches.</p><p>Nani rests her head on my shoulder, startling my eyes open.</p><p>"Sorry," she says when I jump at her touch. "It is my first time away from the Circle also. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am scared too."</p><p>Looking into her eyes, a thankful smile spreads across my face. "Thank you, Nani. I think we will become wonderful friends after all."</p><p>She returns my smile. "I think so too!"</p><p>I let out a soft laugh and lean my head against hers. "I wish I had your enthusiasm. I let too many things scare me. I am not a brave person."</p><p>"Neither am I," she says. "I have spent my life reading books. We are headed into the midst of a war. I am terrified. I only hope we can help."</p><p>"I do too," I say with a sigh.</p><p>Dinner is brought to our cabin by a small, skinny child that I am unsure if they are a boy or a girl. They have such fine features and short hair, cut unevenly atop their small head. I ask them for their name; however, this causes them to panic and they end up scurrying out the door without delay.</p><p>I watch after them, a lump in my throat. Do they know I am a mage? Of course, they do. I am travelling with templars. Are mages truly that frightening to them?</p><p>I feel Gabriel's eyes on me, but they look away when I glance at him. I let out a sigh and offer my plate to Nani.</p><p>"I am not hungry."</p><p>Nani eyes me curiously. "We have not eaten all day. Surely you are."</p><p>I shake my head. "I am not. I suppose I am too tired." I look to Gabriel. "Am I permitted to take a stroll on the deck, or am I too much of a risk?"</p><p>His eyes narrow and he places his plate of food on the floor beside him. "It is permitted. Though I think it wise for a templar to accompany you."</p><p>I scoff and let out a sigh. "Of course. We are in the middle of the Waking Sea. Maker forbid I try to make a run for it."</p><p>He is clearly displeased with me and Nani's eyes dart between us, sensing some rising tension. She chews quickly on her food and scoots backwards, out of the direct line of fire.</p><p>"Regardless, my lady, I will accompany you."</p><p>I rise to my feet. "If you must."</p><p>Gabriel calls for one of his men who takes his place supervising Nani and then leads the way to the deck.</p><p>As we walk my eyes are fixated on his broad back, his armour gleaming in the candlelight turning the silver to a vibrant gold. I bite my lip, thoughts of his shirtless body entering my mind. </p><p>I shake my head, willing such thoughts away. Whatever happened between us is now in the past. I must forget about it.</p><p>Climbing the stairs onto the deck we are greeted by an icy cold wind that swirls around us violently, grabbing a hold of my hair and cloak. A sudden gasp escapes my lips and Gabriel turns to me, concern on his brow. He offers a hand to me to assist with the final steps, but I ignore it, confident in my own two feet.</p><p>Without much thought on where I want to go, I take a turn about the deck, eyes on the horizon as the sun sets beyond the limitless ocean. The scent of salt water consumes my senses and the crashing waves sound like a whimsical lullaby to my delighted ears.</p><p>I lean against the side of the ship, looking over to the hull where I can see the water more clearly. A strong hand grabs my arm and pulls me swiftly backwards.</p><p>My eyes shoot to Gabriel and I try to pull away.</p><p>"Let me go," I snap.</p><p>Immediately I regret my tone when I see the sorrow on his face, the faraway longing in his black eyes. I avert my gaze and allow myself to soften within his grasp. I am reminded of how he stopped me on the balcony and warned me not to get too close to the edge for fear that I might fall. He must have thought the same just now.</p><p>"I am sorry," I say, my voice low and gentle. "I can be quite careless."</p><p>There is a hint of a smile in his eyes. "I have noticed."</p><p>My cheeks grow hot under his gaze and I bite my lip to try and fight the heat from spreading. My arm already tingles under his hand.</p><p>Gabriel releases me, slowly, and somewhat reluctantly. He then moves to be beside me, relaxing against the railing, eyes on the horizon.</p><p>I turn around to join him, both my body and mind the most relaxed they have been since the night on the balcony.</p><p>He lets out a long breath. "I forget that the Circle mages do not have the same freedoms as I do. I may spend my days within the tower alongside you, but I can leave at any time should I wish it. To think that you do not remember the warmth of the sun, nor the sound of the waves." His eyes drop to his hands in front of him where they rest on the railing. "I am ashamed. To think that we belong to the same race, yet I have unlimited freedom, whilst you have none. I cannot understand it."</p><p>I blink back my emotion. His words pierce my heart, threatening tears in the corners of my eyes. "It is not your fault."</p><p>He grits his teeth. "But it is. It is because of people like me that this has become our world. People who are selfish and do not think of others. People who forget about others or turn a blind eye."</p><p>My hand covers his before I can stop it. Instantly his fingers entwine with mine and his body edges slightly closer.</p><p>"Knowing that you understand and that you care," I say as I look up at him, meeting his dark eyes. "It is enough to bring me hope. It is more comforting than you know. Thank you."</p><p>"You should not need to thank me," he says, his eyes filling with rage. "It is not something anyone needs to be thankful for. It is common sense."</p><p>I smile, my thumb stroking his to calm him. "Perhaps it is. Sense, at the very least. A lot less common than I would like it to be, however." I sigh and look out over the blackness of the ocean, to the moon that peers from behind the clouds. "Lydia wishes for me to remain neutral at the Conclave. To advocate only for the restoration of the Circles. But I have begun to wonder what a world would look like that contained my freedom."</p><p>Gabriel pulls at my hand, drawing my eyes back to his. "Do not let yourself be drawn into the conflict. I beg of you. I may care for you deeply, but I am still a templar. I cannot protect you if you decide to cross that line."</p><p>I reach a hand to touch his face. A finger trails his cheekbone, jawline and then the outline of his lips. I feel him shudder under my touch which brings a warm smile to my face. "I will not endanger you. Nor myself. They are merely my thoughts. I have no intention of acting upon them. I am powerless, anyway. It is not my place to change the world."</p><p>"If anyone could, I believe it would be you. You are the bravest person I have ever met." The intensity in his eyes is disarming. It sends shivers down my spine. He sees me shaking and wraps a large arm around my waist, drawing him to his body.</p><p>Despite the armour that is between us, my body heats at his closeness.</p><p>I shudder again. "I am not brave," I say, recalling my earlier conversation with Nani.</p><p>His chin rests gently on top of my head and I can hear his breathing. "You may not think it, but you truly are. I can recall your small hands on the buckles of my chest plate. Those were not the hands of a coward."</p><p>I stiffen, my entire face turning bright red. "I-I-I." Words fail me completely.</p><p>Gabriel chuckles, his large arms drawing further around me. "I am teasing you. You do not need to panic."</p><p>I let out a groan. "Can we please not speak of what happened?" I pull away a little, enough to turn to face him. "We may be out of the tower for now, but nothing has changed. What happened cannot happen again."</p><p>That look I had seen when I left him in the corridor that night returns to his eyes. It pains me to see it, but I know what I am saying is the truth. Nothing good can come of this.</p><p>Gabriel's eyes move away from mine and he straightens himself, removing his arms from around me. "That night my biggest fear had been that I might be too forward with you and scare you away. I thought you might think I intended to use you, to take my fill and then cast you aside." His eyes meet mine again. "But it is you that used me." He steps away from me, creating a distance between us that might as well be a mile. "I care for you more than I have cared for any other in my entire life. I cannot describe what I feel when I look at you and when I touch your hand. But I am aware that you do not feel the same. Starkly aware. I should have taken you back to your room when I pushed you away that night."</p><p>His words are like knives, piercing my heart. My bottom lip quivers on the verge of tears.</p><p>Is this truly what he thinks of me? That I simply wished to use him? What frightens me more than anything is the truth within those words. Had I only used him for my own selfish reasons?</p><p>I push past him, running for the stairs that lead back down under the deck. I can hear his heavy footsteps and the clanking of his armour as he follows me, but I am only driven to move faster at the sound of them. When I reach the door to our room, I pull it open with such ferocity that both Nani and the templar inside jump to their feet, the templar drawing their sword and pointing at me.</p><p>"Put the sword away, Knight-Lieutenant," Nathanial orders from the doorway behind me. "It is only us."</p><p>His man nods and slides the blade back into its sheath.</p><p>"You may return to your own room," Gabriel says.</p><p>I shake my head, tears beginning to stream down my face. "I think it best that your man stays with us tonight, Knight-Captain." My voice is shaken and weak, but my words are clear enough. "You should leave."</p><p>All eyes burn into me. Nani is clearly confused and panicking over my tears, while the templar in front of me cannot seem to understand what is even happening.</p><p>Gabriel lets out a sigh. "Very well. As you wish, my lady. Knight-Lieutenant, these two will be your charges tonight."</p><p>The templar salutes and the door behind me closes. With Gabriel gone I rush to Nani who takes me in her arms. Together we curl into one of the bed rolls, giving the other to the templar. I cry into her chest, trying my best to do it silently. Nani pats my hair and hums a song that I do not recognize. For the second time in my life I feel true heartbreak. But, for the first time in my life, I think I have made a friend.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Confessions In Highever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The journey across the Waking Sea is perhaps the longest two days of my life. I spend the time within the room that I share with Nani, forbidding Gabriel from entering at any time. Nani directs most of her time and effort into trying to cheer me up, and I show her a few spells for healing in return. She is eager to learn, and even more eager to talk my ears off.</p><p>On our final night aboard the ship, Nani begins to tell some elvhen tales she learnt from her mother as a child. She says her mother is back at the Circle and her father died long ago.</p><p>Hearing of her story I tell her my own, about my family and that templar who tried to hurt me. Both of us constantly glancing at the templar across the room, ensuring our voices are soft enough to not be heard. He does leave the room often, allowing us some privacy. I am thankful for that much. He is also kind, offering to fetch us food or water. He removed his helmet to sleep the first night and never put it back on, revealing a young handsome face and shoulder length blonde hair. He appears to be around my age, perhaps younger.</p><p>When Nani falls asleep, I sit beside her, stroking her hair and watching her peaceful face with envy. Since my argument with Gabriel I have slept sparingly. His words continue to echo through my mind.</p><p>The templar enters the room, having left no doubt to speak with his superior. He is careful not to knock anything and disturb Nani and I. He glances over at me, offering the faintest hint of a smile, before settling himself into his bed roll.</p><p>"May I ask your name, Knight-Lieutenant?"</p><p>He looks over at me, his face unsure how to respond to me. "Uh, it is Landen, my lady. Landen Arion."</p><p>I smile at him, causing him to blush a little. "It is a nice name. Landen Arion. I shall remember it. You have been kind to us. I wanted to tell you that I am grateful for it."</p><p>He sits upwards, flustered, and red faced. "N-no! Not at all. I mean, you are welcome, my lady."</p><p>I laugh softly. "It is okay, Knight-Lieutenant. I do not mean to make you uncomfortable. I merely thought I would thank you. I have known many disagreeable templars, and mages, so I do appreciate when I meet kindhearted ones."</p><p>His hands twist around each other as he finds his words. "I...Thank you, my lady. I was raised by a kindhearted woman. My mother was the most selfless person I have ever known. She made sure that I would be no less so."</p><p>A warmth fills me, seeing the love in his eyes as he thinks of his mother. I always wished for such memories. For the love of a mother. I am jealous of those such as he and Nani who have both.</p><p>"Was?" His use of past tense piques my curiosity.</p><p>He nods slowly, hands finally resting calmly in his lap. "She was killed during the Blight, ten years ago. I am originally from Ferelden, you see. When the Blight began, and my mother died, my older sister and I fled to Kirkwall. When we were refused entry, we traveled to Ostwick where she found work and I joined the Order. She is now married with two children of her own. I now serve the Circle."</p><p>My heart breaks seeing the sadness in his sweet eyes. "I am sorry, Knight-Lieutenant. I should not have asked."</p><p>He smiles softly to me. "It is alright, my lady. I do not hide from my past. It is painful, but it was also filled with much happiness."</p><p>"You are very wise."</p><p>He chuckles. "Content, I think is a better word to use. I am living a comfortable life. I am thankful for it."</p><p>Landen's story fills me with joy and a sense of hope. He is the second templar in less than a week to sweep me away with their kindness and understanding of the world. After years of thinking them all mindless beasts, I am beginning to regret all those times when I might have spoken to one of them and lost the chance to get to know them. It is my own ignorance that has helped fuel this hate between us. Gabriel is right. It only takes one person to stand up and change things. If I had not asked Landen his name, I might never have known his story and always thought him just another faceless templar. The thought alone saddens me greatly.</p><p>Landen is fast to fall asleep, the hint of a smile on his lips. I pray he dreams of his mother when she was alive and well.</p><p>Curling up beside Nani, I will myself to join them both in the peaceful serenity of slumber. I am exhausted from this lack of sleep and we are to dock before sunrise. Tomorrow the journey across Ferelden begins and I am not at all thrilled for it. Two weeks on horseback sound like utter torture to me.</p><p>The early morning air is like ice settling over my body as Gabriel leads our travelling party through the township of Highever. As the sun begins to rise, I catch glimpses of Castle Cousland from where it towers over the town upon a hill to the west. High stone walls block a clear view of it, but from some angles I can make out the roof and some of the towers.</p><p>Passing through the market Nani and I find ourselves drawn to the stalls, eyes darting from place to place, admiring all that there is to see. People pass by us, most making the extra effort to keep an obvious distance between them and us. The way they eye us with curiosity laced with fear is unsettling. However, their treatment of the templars that escort us is something else entirely. Where they avert their gazes from Nani, Caius, and I, they marvel at the splendour of the armored men who escort us. Children run to Gabriel, calling for his attention and tugging at his tunic. He offers them smiles and praises but does not falter as we push further through the town.</p><p>On the edge of the market, a stall selling crystals catches my eye. I halt in front of it, eyes captivated by a pair of sapphire coloured crystals about the length of my finger. They are poorly cut with crooked edges. They may even be offcuts from something much larger.</p><p>The merchant eyes me, unsure what to make of me as I stand before him, surrounded by templars. He glances down to the crystals.</p><p>"They do not hold any powers, my lady," he says, voice shaking. Even this man is terrified of me. "They will be of little use to a mage."</p><p>I reach into my satchel for my coin purse. "How much are they, ser?"</p><p>He blinks back at me. "Uh, twenty copper each."</p><p>"I shall take one," I say as I open my coin purse and peer inside. I do not know much about money. Truthfully, I have never purchased a thing in my life. I rummage through the purse and sigh. Of course, there is nothing less than silver in here. My family most likely has never seen a copper piece in their lives.</p><p>I place a silver in the man's hand, and he gawks down at it. "M-my lady, I do not have change for a silver piece."</p><p>I offer the man an uneven smile. "Consider it a token of appreciation for your hospitality."</p><p>His face brightens into a brilliant smile. He bows several times. "Thank you, my lady!" He reaches for the second crystal and places it into my hand. "Please, take the pair."</p><p>I look down at the crystals as they rest in my palm and smile fully. "Thank you, ser. Have a lovely day."</p><p>I continue on my way, Gabriel's eyes on me as I approach him where he halted at the edge of the market. I had not given warning that I would stop. I am sure he must be quite cross with me.</p><p>"My apologies, Knight-Captain," I say, bowing to him. "We may be on our way now."</p><p>He frowns at me. "You do realize that those are likely not true crystals."</p><p>I nod. "Of course, Knight-Captain. I am a mage. I know a genuine crystal when I see one. These are indeed fakes." I meet his eyes, flinching as I recall what he said to me on the deck of the ship. "I have never had money before, you see. This was my very first purchase of my life. Whether they are genuine or not does not matter to me. Their value is purely sentimental. I shall look at them for years to come and remember this moment."</p><p>There is a flicker of something in his eyes and he averts his gaze. "I understand."</p><p>I smile, despite the ache within my chest at the very thought of him. I grab his hand which catches him off guard. He instantly tries to draw away as his men, Caius and Nani are standing in clear view of us. But I hold onto him tighter.</p><p>"Astri, what are you...?"</p><p>I place one of the crystals into the palm of his hand, closing his fingers around it. "I want you to have one." I meet his eyes again. "You think that I do not care for you and that I used you. That night on the balcony, I think perhaps I did. And I am sorry for it. But I do care for you. More than I know I should. So please, take this."</p><p>He shakes his head, trying to give it back to me, but I step away. "Astri, I cannot take it. My men are watching."</p><p>My frustration is released in the form of a laugh. "Let them see! If they ask you about it, tell them I am your mistress and we made love on a balcony outside the walls of the Circle."</p><p>The colour drains from his face. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me around the corner of a nearby building. "Have you lost your mind? You have told me very clearly that you and I cannot work. That we cannot tell anyone of what happened."</p><p>"Yes, I have." I pull away from him, rubbing my arm as it throbs with pain where he had grabbed me. "Consider this compensation for using you."</p><p>"That is not how this works."</p><p>"Then how does it work, Gabe? Pray tell me. You are the one who has done this sort of thing before, you said. I know nothing about romance. I read a book once, and honestly it left me with more questions than answers. Truthfully, I should have left the damned thing in the tower."</p><p>Nathanial stares down at me in complete shock. "W-what are you talking about? Romance? A book?"</p><p>I sigh, stepping closer to him. "I am saying that I do not want to be your enemy." I run a hand down my face, groaning in frustration and my inability to figure out my own emotions. None of this had been planned and, even now, I do not understand what it is I am doing. "You were not a mistake, Gabe. You never have been. I am sorry for how I have treated you. I-I-I do not know what the future holds. Even if things between us stay as they are now, I at least want you to know that I care for you."</p><p>Gabriel's eyes search my face. "Astri..."</p><p>I shake my head. "Never mind," I say, backing away out of the nook we have hidden ourselves in. "You may toss it in a field, if it suits you, Knight-Captain. It was merely a thought."</p><p>The others stand in the same group they had been before we disappeared, all of them as confused as the next, aside from Caius who is fascinated by a stall selling herbs.</p><p>Nani takes my hand, sensing my distress. "What in the Maker's name was that about?" she asks. "Are you alright, Astri?"</p><p>I nod, tears burning my eyes. "I am fine. The Knight-Captain I merely have some issues to work through. We do not get along so well."</p><p>"I see." She rubs my hands in hers. "What a shame. It is always the good-looking ones that turn out to be horrible."</p><p>Gabriel emerges, his face as stern and professional as it always is in front of his men. "We are wasting too much time here. We need to keep moving." He takes the lead of the group once more and we continue through Highever, Caius scrambling to catch up with us, mumbling something about how the Circle needs more variety of herbs.</p><p>We find a stable on the edge of town where Gabriel collects our horses. The one given to me is rather huge, my eyes barely above its shoulders. The roundness of its back gives me quite the headache just to look at. I will never walk again if I am to sit up there for two weeks straight.</p><p>The templars mount with ease, while Nani and I stare at our horse in horror. Even Caius seems confidant enough with horses that he slides into the saddle without a second thought.</p><p>Gabriel eyes us both with a frown, urging us to mount with his eyes. "We must be on our way."</p><p>Nani and I exchange a bewildered glance.</p><p>"I have never ridden before, Knight-Captain," Nani says, patting her horse's neck awkwardly.</p><p>I glance at him uneasily. "Nor have I."</p><p>There is a hint of annoyance in his eyes as he dismounts and comes to us. He goes to Nani first, explaining to her the concept of the saddle and guiding her into it. Once atop her horse she beams brightly, thrilled by the whole experience.</p><p>Then he turns to me. He holds the reins to halt my horse, then with one strong arm he lifts me completely upward onto the saddle before tucking my feet into the stirrups.</p><p>"He can sense your fear," he says, his voice low enough that none of the others can hear him. "You must be assertive but allow him to guide you. Horses are clever creatures; he will know to follow."</p><p>I nod, swallowing the hard lump in my throat. I must look utterly terrified because he lets out a puff of air.</p><p>"I can guide your horse behind mine, if that would ease your mind."</p><p>I nod quickly. "If you would, I would appreciate it. At least until I can balance myself properly." I shift myself, rising up and then down in the saddle. My poor legs are spread incredibly by the width of the horse. I can already feel the tightness in my thighs beginning to ache.</p><p>Gabriel eyes me for a moment longer than he might have intended to, before guiding my horse to his and mounting, my reins still in his hand. He glances over his shoulder to me. "Hold onto the saddle. We will be moving at a steady pace. I do not want you to fall and injure yourself."</p><p>I nod, eyes on my hands as they hold the front of the saddle.</p><p>Gabriel takes the lead with everyone else falling into a line behind us. Nani rides behind me, laughing and squealing over how much she now adores horses and horse riding. I, on the other hand, struggle to stay upright.</p><p>As Highever fades into the distance, I take my crystal from my satchel and turn it over in my hand. I do not know what I will do with it. It was perhaps the least useful thing I could have purchased. But there is something beautiful about it. It is such a lopsided shape and has no smooth edges. I can see my broken reflection it its uneven surface. I cannot make the details of my face and I am thankful for it. I am sure that I look like a horrible mess. Possibly as lopsided as the crystal.</p><p>I sigh and slide it back into my satchel. I pray that I will at least have a proper bed to sleep in tonight.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Yet Another Mistake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>NSFW warning for this chapter just in case. Enjoy *winky face* again</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun is setting when we reach the North Road. Gabriel sends one of his men ahead to the next town to ensure we have a place to spend the night. The rest of us follow behind at a slower pace.</p><p>As the town comes into view, the last of the sunlight vanishes beyond the horizon and the sight of civilization ahead makes my heart sing for joy. My entire body feels somewhere between agony and completely numb.</p><p>Descending the hill towards the town, I can feel my eyes growing heavy with exhaustion. Today has been the longest day of my life. I can think of nothing more than curling up in a bed and losing myself in sleep.</p><p>I do not realize I am dozing until my head slumps into something hard. My eyes fly open to see Gabriel and his horse in pace with my own. It was his chest plate that caught my head.</p><p>Flustered and embarrassed I pull away, trying to seat myself straight. But not matter how strong my will is, my exhaustion is stronger, and my eyelids continue to close.</p><p>"Hold on a little longer, we are almost there." Gabriel's hand steadies me as I begin to sway again.</p><p>I nod, a long yawn escaping from me.</p><p>Gabriel gives a small chuckle. "Travelling is not your strong point, it would seem."</p><p>I look over to him, my eyelids still incredibly heavy. "It has been thirteen years since I even stepped foot out of the Circle tower. Before that, I had never left Ostwick. Travelling is not something I am accustomed to."</p><p>His eyes are warm. "I know. I meant only to tease you."</p><p>We cross under the outer wall of the small town, the streets lit poorly by sparsely placed sconces. The templar sent ahead waits for us by the gate and confirms that we have rooms prepared at the local inn. We leave our horses at the stable on the edge of town and the templar leads the way through the streets to the inn where we will rest for the night.</p><p>When we enter, the tavern falls silent. Everyone turns to stare at us, eyes piercing into myself and my fellow mages. Gabriel moves himself to stand in front of me, guarding me from the penetrating looks.</p><p>As we begin to move for the stairs, guided by an equally displeased patroness, I find myself reaching for Gabriel's belt as I had the night that he took me to that balcony. I do not feel safe in this place.</p><p>The rooms are as pokey and damp as the rooms we had on the ship. As on the ship we have three rooms to divide amongst. Caius insists on his own room once again, however, with the tension felt downstairs Gabriel advises that he take two of his men to keep guard. He reluctantly agrees.</p><p>"I had not imagined the tensions against mages would be so great," Gabriel says, eyes scanning both ends of the corridor as the rest of us move to find the other rooms.</p><p>"The world blames mages for the war, I am not surprised in the least."</p><p>Gabriel eyes me sympathetically. "Not the whole world."</p><p>I offer a forced smile, thankful for his kindness. "I wish they all saw mages the way you did, Knight-Captain. You have more faith in our people than most of our own."</p><p>At the next door, Nathanial takes a moment to think to himself before turning to his remaining two men. "Take Enchanter Valoris with you and be sure to keep her safe. I think it wise to divide amongst ourselves. I do not think we are in any real danger here, but I would prefer to spread the mages between us in case we are attacked. Doing so increases our chances of escaping."</p><p>Nani and I exchange horrified glances. We have come to trust these templars, it is the thought of being attacked by the villagers that frightens us. If Gabriel is concerned, then the threat is very real.</p><p>Landen and his comrade salute their superior.</p><p>"We will protect Enchanter Valoris with our lives," Landen says, his youthful face wrinkled with duty. He extends a hand to Nani, who eyes it uneasily. He offers her a smile when she hesitates. "I will not harm you, my lady. I swear it."</p><p>I cannot help but smile as Nani takes his hand, blushing wildly. It reminds me of when Gabriel said the same to me.</p><p>Nani reaches with her free hand to squeeze mine and leans into my ear. "If the Knight-Captain treats you badly or threatens you, knock on the wall or yell. I will come to you immediately."</p><p>Her words and the seriousness of her tone catches me off guard. I did not realize that when I said what I said to her this morning after the incident at the market that she would take my words so seriously. She is genuinely concerned for me being left alone with Gabriel.</p><p>I return the squeeze of her hand and smile warmly. "I will be alright, Nani. Sleep well. I will see you in the morning."</p><p>She is not as convinced as I hoped she would be, but she allows Landen to escort her into their room. As the door closes, I let out a long sigh. I know she will be safe with Landen watching over her, I am thankful for that much. However, this town makes me uncomfortable. I cannot shake this cold feeling within me.</p><p>Gabriel takes my hand in his, startling me from my thoughts, and pulls me further down the corridor to the room at the very end. Once inside he closes it softly behind us, his fingers still laced with mine. He pauses, still facing the door. I watch his back, cheeks hot and heart beating uncontrollably. Being alone with him in a bed chamber is not what I had expected of this night.</p><p>After what feels like forever, Gabriel's hand releases mine and he moves around me, eyes never meeting mine. He goes to the wash basin and pours some water into it from a jug. I watch him, heart still in my throat, as he begins to remove his gauntlets, followed then by his chest plate.</p><p>My face turns bright red and I quickly avert my eyes. It is then that I notice the one bed in the room, and I feel my heart fall to my feet. Glancing back at Gabriel I find him shirtless and covered in water. My breath fails me, and I choke on nothing, unable to come to terms with everything at once.</p><p>Nathanial is in front of me within a second, holding my shoulders, eyes searching my face. "Astri!" I can see the concern in his eyes as I continue to cough to clear my panic. "What is it? Are you alright? Answer me, please!"</p><p>I feel like a complete fool and hide my face in my hands. "I-I am fine. Just thirsty, I think."</p><p>He hesitates a moment before nodding once and moving to the side table where he finds another jug and a cup. He offers the now full cup to me, eyes cast downward. "Drink this."</p><p>I take the cup, eyes blinking down at it. I do not know why, but I am reluctant to take a sip. After the way the townspeople looked at me downstairs, how do I know if it is poisoned.</p><p>Gabriel notices my hesitation and takes the cup again. He lifts it to smell it before taking a small sip. I panic and reach for it, spilling some over both of us as I do so.</p><p>"Why would you do that?!" I say, taking it from him. "Are you insane?"</p><p>He is startled for a moment, hand still poised by his mouth as though it still holds a cup. Then a soft smile spreads across his face and his hand lowers to touch my cheek. "Are you worried about me, my lady?"</p><p>I frown at him, cheeks hot, butterflies filling my stomach. "Of course I am. It could be poisoned. You are the Knight-Captain, imagine what your uncle would think if you wound up dying over something so stupid."</p><p>His smile fades, his eyes turning sorrowful. "Dying for you is not stupid."</p><p>I pull away. "Death is not a joke, Gabriel! And you say I am reckless!" I slam the cup down on the side table, even more water splashing over me. I glance down at my soaked robes and scold myself. I am trying to make a point here but am only making myself look ridiculous. Wrapping my cloak around myself I turn to him. "I do not like this place. Perhaps we should leave."</p><p>"And go where?" He takes a step towards me, his bare torso gleaming in the firelight from hearth across the room.</p><p>"The next town, or the one beyond it," I say, knowing full well what little sense my suggestions make. "Anywhere but here."</p><p>He sighs, a sympathetic smile on his lips. "As much as I wish it were not so, I believe we will encounter this kind of hostility no matter where we go."</p><p>"But Nani, Caius and I have done nothing wrong! We are travelling with templars, surely the people can see that we mean them no harm."</p><p>He shakes his head. "It is not that simple. Perhaps they know you are not rebels, but they have been raised to think of magic as evil. They will not trust so easily."</p><p>I fight back tears of frustration. "I cannot believe that this is what the world thinks of us. Of me. I knew that mages were not considered equals, but I did not know we were hated so."</p><p>Gabriel's arms wrap around me, drawing me into his chest. My forehead against his bare skin sends a shudder through my body and I soften completely within his embrace.</p><p>"I am sorry." His voice is so low it is almost a whisper. His large hand strokes my hair. "I am sorry."</p><p>I wrap my arms around him, thrilled by the softness of his skin under my hands. "You always apologize to me for these things that you have no control over. It is not your apology to make but thank you. I do not treat you as well as I ought to."</p><p>Gabriel chuckles, his body shaking as he does. Pulling away to look me in the eyes, his smile is warm. "Are your moods always so intense? I have begun to notice that no matter what the situation, you are either one thing or another. Whether that be inconsolably upset, consumed by rage, or overwhelmed by passion." There is a flash of something in his eyes at the word passion that makes me shudder. "I cannot make sense of you, Astri Trevelyan. One moment you look at me with such brilliant blue eyes, gleaming with wonder. Then the next they turn black and I feel as though you might burn the world to the ground around me. It is unlike anything I have seen before. You are unlike anything I have seen before."</p><p>A whirlwind of emotion swirls within me as his eyes move from mine to my lips. Excitement rises in my chest and I am frozen in my place as he leans down and presses his mouth against mine. My instant response is to match his kisses, tongues entangling after mere seconds. However, there is a pang in my heart that fights to gain my full attention. Through all of this, through all my adoration for this man, there is something that lingers in the back of my mind. It is an uneasiness that grows by the day. I cannot yet make sense of it, but I am aware that it is there.</p><p>Before I know it, I am pinned against the wall, Gabriel's enormous body pressed hard onto mine. I struggle for air between his weight and his kisses, gasping every chance I get.</p><p>Large hands grasp my thighs and raise me up onto his hips. My mind is reeling, my thoughts a scattered mess. I know I need to pull away, but I cannot find the will to do so. The last thing we should be doing is sleeping together again. It will only complicate things further.</p><p>Gabriel presses against me harder and I can feel him between my legs. My body is desperate for him, addicted to his touch and his scent. My hands trail up his back, his neck and into his hair. His moans send shivers down my spine and whatever hold that sense had over me seems to wash away in that moment.</p><p>My cloak hits the floor, desperate fingers tugging at the back of my robes. Once undone the neckline dips, baring my chest to the room around me. The kisses move from my mouth, down to my collarbone. I moan under them, continuing to gasp for air while I have the chance.</p><p>Gabriel turns on his heels, startling me, and then suddenly I am on my back on the bed. There is a loud thump when I make contact with it that causes us both to pause, ears peeled to listen for if the others might have heard it from next door. There is a slight murmur of voices, but no one comes to check on us. Satisfied that we are to be undisturbed, Gabriel climbs onto me, hands making quick work of my robes. They are tossed aside in a hurry, the eagerness in his eyes rivalling our first time.</p><p>This time is different from the first in many ways. We spend less time working up to it and more time amongst it all. Gabriel's touches are more confidant and do not hesitate to press my flesh for responses. He draws the process out far longer than last time, backing off whenever we both near our climax. While it is excruciatingly frustrating to be constantly deprived of release, I find myself completely submissive, thrilled by his control over me.</p><p>And when the end finally comes, it arrives at the same moment for both of us. We both collapse into each other, panting and covered in sweat. After a handful of kisses to see us out, we pull apart, both equally as satisfied and exhausted as the other.</p><p>Gabriel is asleep within minutes, still completely naked and snoring softly beside me. My eyes trail the length of his body, guilt free and determined to see the whole of him as he has seen me. Without his armour he is still a ridiculously large human being. He alone takes up most of the double bed and his feet overhang the end of the bed ever so slightly. I have heard of the race called the qunari, though I have not met one myself. But I hear they are like small giants, towering above man. When I imagine them, I imagine them to be Gabriel's height and build.</p><p>I climb from the bed, not bothering to dress myself, and place a piece of wood onto the fire. It dances about and flickers as it accepts my gift, burning brighter and wrapping its warmth around my bare skin. I shiver, realizing only now the chill in the room. I find a blanket at the foot of the bed, not willing to wake Gabriel to take the one beneath him, and I place it gently over him. I eye him with a smirk when the blanket barely covers him, certain that there is none left for myself.</p><p>Instead I grab my cloak from the floor and wrap it around me. There are specks of mud on the hemline, but I do not mind. All I can think about is the blissful ache of my body and the heaviness of my eyelids.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Secrets Revealed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A hand shakes me awake. It is a gentle shake, but I sit upwards with a start, pulled from a deep dreamless sleep. I blink to clear my blurry eyes and find Nani by my bed side, eyes wide with shock, mouth open wide enough it nearly touches the floor.</p><p>I frown at her, rubbing away the weariness from my eyes. "Nani? What are you doing in here? Is everything okay?" Memories of the night before return to me like a flood and I freeze. My head snaps to the side to where Gabriel had been sleeping to find it empty. His armour is gone from the floor, however, my robes remain in a pile.</p><p>An icy chill washes over me as I realize that I am still naked. Looking down at my body I see my breasts exposed and the blanket I had placed over Gabriel now draped over my lower half.</p><p>My cheeks turn bright red and I snatch the blanket up to cover my body. "I-I...it's not what it looks like." I could slap myself. There is no way that this is not what it looks like. It could not be more obvious what has happened.</p><p>Nani's face turns bright red to match mine and she turns to the door. "You may want to go, Knight-Lieutenant."</p><p>The colour drains from me as my eyes find Landen standing in the doorway, his face the colour of a ripe tomato.</p><p>I groan and throw myself backwards into the bed, covering every inch of myself with the blanket. "Maker save me!" I can hardly contain my shame. How did this go so wrong so quickly? Not only has Nani found out about Gabriel and I, but so has one of his men, who has now also seen my bare chest. What a horrible, horrible way to start the day.</p><p>"Landen." Nani snaps. "Out now!"</p><p>"I am so, so sorry, Lady Trevelyan! Forgive me!" The door slams shut, and I can hear his hurried steps as he scurries down the corridor.</p><p>"Astri? Are you alright?" A small hand finds mine over the blanket.</p><p>I pull down the blanket to meet her gaze, my eyes filled with tangible shame. "Not really."</p><p>Her expression is narrow and serious. "He did not force himself on you, did he?"</p><p>A laugh catches in my throat and turns to a cough. "No! No, it wasn't like that!"</p><p>She eyes me for a moment before she lets out a sigh of relief. "I am glad. I was so scared all night for you. I barely slept. Then when Landen said the Knight-Captain had gone to check the horses at the stables I thought it was my chance to check on you. I had not expected to find you.... like this." She blushes a little, then her expression turns confused. "You told me that you and he were enemies. That you did not get along. This...does not look like that to me."</p><p>I groan and throw myself back into the bed once again. "We do not get along much at all. That is the truth. This truly is not what it looks like."</p><p>Nani is obviously more confused by the whole situation than ever. "It looks like you slept with the Knight-Captain."</p><p>I chew the inside of my cheek, praying to the Maker that this is just a bad dream and that I will wake up at any moment to a far less cruel reality.</p><p>"Well, I did."</p><p>Nani's mouth falls open, but she quickly closes it again. "I can hardly believe this!" she squeaks, eyes wide and her lips spreading into a smile. Her enthusiastic response only makes me feel worse about it all. This is not something to be thrilled about. It was not supposed to happen ever again. I feel ridiculously ashamed right now.</p><p>"Then pretend you never saw anything," I yell, leaping out of the bed and pulling my robes back over my body.</p><p>"How can I?" Nani turns to me. "I have heard of templars and mages having relations, but I have never witnessed it with my own eyes before. You said he did not force himself on you. So, is this a fling? I cannot blame you. If I were to spend the night alone with a man like him, I would not be able to contain myself either. He is incredibly beautiful."</p><p>A pang of something twists my stomach and I do not like the taste it leaves in my mouth. Is this what I think it is? Am I feeling territorial about Gabriel? Suddenly I have a splitting headache.</p><p>There is a soft knock at the door and then it creaks open, Gabriel stepping inside, fussing over the small package in his hands. When he looks up, he stops in his tracks at the sight of Nani seated on the edge of the bed, and me only half dressed.</p><p>"U-uh, Enchanter, what are you doing here?" It is obvious by the complete bewilderment on his face that he had expected to find me alone. His expression changes from shock to bright red embarrassment as he notes the open back of my robes.</p><p>As though trying to keep our secret he turns away in a huff. "Forgive me. I should have waited after I knocked."</p><p>Nani rises to her feet slowly and approaches him, eyeing from head to toe. He shifts awkwardly under her intense gaze.</p><p>"Enchanter?"</p><p>She leans close to him. "You be good to her, Knight-Captain. If you hurt her, I will burn that off." She signals to his groin, then offers me a bright smile before she disappears out the door.</p><p>I let out a groan and dive back into the bed, still barely dressed. "Now I wish that water had been poisoned. I could use a cup of it about now."</p><p>Gabriel seats himself on the edge of the bed, still visibly confused about what just happened. "I am not quite sure what she just said to me, but I feel as though it was a threat of sorts."</p><p>I snort a laugh. "It most definitely was a threat. You had better heed her warning, or you will not be sleeping with anyone else after me."</p><p>Gabriel smiles, his hand running the length of my bare back. "I had not planned to."</p><p>His words cause my body to stiffen. What in the Maker's name does he mean by that?</p><p>I move away from his hand. "Gabriel, that ca-"</p><p>"You need not say anything," he says, cutting me off. "I know what you are thinking, and I do not care. I know this is mostly a one-way relationship. At first, I was hurt, but now I accept it as it is. If it means that I can have even a small part of you, then I will take it."</p><p>I am at a loss for words. I had not expected that from him. I stare back at him in disbelief that causes him to chuckle softly.</p><p>"Astri Trevelyan is speechless, what kind of miracle is this?" He places the package he had been carrying onto the bed between us. "I went to check the horses before sunrise. I was drawn to a bakery on my way back. Since none of us had breakfast I bought everyone a little something. This is yours."</p><p>He opens it to reveal three slices of fruit bread. My heart flutters a little. Surely, he cannot remember when I bumped into him in the great hall and dropped my slice onto the floor. Could he?</p><p>"I promise not to knock into you again," he says with a wink. He does remember!</p><p>I fight the emotions welling inside me and clear my throat. "What about you? Have you eaten?"</p><p>He shakes his head. "I am fine."</p><p>I take a slice and place it into his hand. "Eat."</p><p>"No, truly I am fine."</p><p>"But what if it is poisoned? Should you not try it first?"</p><p>He chuckles and lets out a sigh. "That is highly unlikely. Very well, then. I shall do my duty well, my lady." He takes a bite and his eyes light up. "Delicious."</p><p>I smile, admiring how adorable the expression looks on him. "Now I am sad that I gave it to you." I take a slice for myself, biting into it and marveling at the taste and texture. This fruit bread tastes completely different to the one I had in the Circle. This one has far more flavour and is sweeter. It truly is delicious.</p><p>Once we have finished eating, we prepare to leave, gathering our few things. As we reach the door, I recall an important matter from earlier.</p><p>"Gabe."</p><p>He halts with his hand on the door. "Yes?" His dark eyes narrow slightly with concern.</p><p>I scratch my head shyly. "Um, it is not just Nani who knows about us."</p><p>His concern deepens. "Who else knows?"</p><p>"Landen," I reply, smiling uncomfortably. "He also may have seen these." I signal to my breasts.</p><p>"Landen?" He dwells on the name a moment as though unsure who I mean. When it clicks the colour drains from his face. "Knight-Lieutenant Arion?"</p><p>I nod. "Yes. He came with Nani to check on me. She was worried about me after what I said to her yesterday about you and I."</p><p>Gabriel shakes his head back and forth as though the words coming from me are too confusing for him. "What did you say to her to make her worry like that?"</p><p>"Only that you and I do not get along very well."</p><p>He lets out a long sigh. "And the Knight-Lieutenant saw you naked?"</p><p>I cannot help but laugh, my memories of this ridiculous morning too unbelievable to not find hilarious. "Only from the waist up. But you should have seen the poor boys face. I am sure he was fifty different shades of red as he stood there."</p><p>"I am glad you find this hilarious, because I do not." Gabriel runs a hand through his hair. "I will have to speak with him. If this gets back to my uncle, things will go badly very quickly."</p><p>My smile fades. "Be nice to Landen, please. He is a kind man and has had quite a hard life. Becoming a templar is his lifes wish."</p><p>Gabriel looks down at me, a question visible on his face. "You use his first name and seem to know quite a great deal about him. Is this a common thing for you to befriend templars?"</p><p>I shake my head, a little wounded by his tone. "N-no, not at all! He was the one who took your place guarding Nani and I on the ship. We talked some about the past. He is from Ferelden. He fled the Blight with his sister and joined the Order to help support their new life. I was touched by his story and the way he spoke of his mother. There should be more like him in the world."</p><p>Nathanial's expression softens. His fingers lace with mine and he leans down to kiss my forehead. "I agree."</p><p>We meet the rest of the group in the corridor. Nani beams at me when I approach, quickly grabbing my arm and pulling me to her. I am sure she has a thousand questions to fill the rest of the day.</p><p>Glancing over at Gabriel I can see he is speaking with Landen who is all kinds of pale and embarrassed. He feels my eyes on him and cannot meet my gaze. I feel a pang of guilt. I only hope that he is not too spooked to speak to me again.</p><p>Gabriel leads the group to the stables, Landen at his side no doubt in the midst of the most uncomfortable conversation of his life. I can see the colour return to his face ever so slightly when we mount our horses. He then falls to the back of the group, eyes cast downward to avoid any more mishaps.</p><p>Today I opt to ride on my own. Gabriel hands me the reins reluctantly.</p><p>"Remember what I said yesterday. Remain calm, assertive and follow his lead."</p><p>I nod. "I will try."</p><p>He offers a smile. "Good. If you have any trouble, tell me and I will lead again." With that he kicks his horse off down the North Road.</p><p>Behind me Nani squeaks with excitement. "My gosh, the way he looks at you is delicious!"</p><p>My face turns bright red and I kick my horse, trying to mimic Gabriel's movements. The horse jolts forwards and I let out a small scream as it takes off after Gabriel.</p><p>I can hear Nani behind me laughing hysterically but I am too preoccupied with not bouncing off the saddle to pay her much attention.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. A Templar and A Mage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On our second day of travelling through Ferelden we made less ground than we had on the first. Having left so long after sunrise we were already at a great disadvantage. We passed through two small towns and were received by the same hostility that we had in the previous ones. With growing tensions between encounters with villagers and farmers, Gabriel sent one of his men to the next town to find supplies. We brought with us bed rolls from the Circle; however, they had been intended merely as a last resort. But with the increasing risk of confrontation as we begin to turn south along the North Road, the decision is made to avoid towns in the future where possible.</p><p>With the sun low on the horizon, Gabriel and his men find a spot amongst the trees off the side of the North Road. We are well hidden, yet close enough to the road to be found by the templar who had gone ahead.</p><p>Nani ignites a campfire using her magic, much to the relief of the templars who had not remembered to pack any tools. Nani teases Landen a little on this and I watch with a smile as he blushes under her playful scrutiny. I begin to wonder if there is something going on between them as they spent the last half of the day riding beside each other completely absorbed in their own conversation.</p><p>Gabriel comes down the small incline from the road, through the trees, sighing as he warms himself by the freshly lit fire. He seems lost in thought, his brow knitted together in a frown.</p><p>I go to him, standing on the opposite side of the fire, extending my hands to absorb its warmth. "Is something the matter, Knight-Captain?"</p><p>He blinks and looks over at me. "I had hoped Ser Matthew would be back by now. We have little food. Not enough for us all, that is certain."</p><p>"Can we not catch a rabbit or something?"</p><p>Gabriel raises and eyebrow at my suggestion. "Did you pack a trap in your satchel? Or a bow?"</p><p>I sigh. "No, of course not. Forget I suggested it."</p><p>"No, no," he says, sighing and seating himself on the ground. "I appreciate your suggestions; it is just not so easily done."</p><p>I consider our options and the issue at hand. "I am a mage, you know. I might be able to catch one."</p><p>He considers it a moment before shaking his head. "I do not want to draw attention. And the sun has gone down, it would be dangerous to use magic blindly."</p><p>I cross my arms and frown down at him. "What about fish? Is there a river nearby?"</p><p>This catches Gabriel's attention, and he offers me a curious look. "Fish? Now that I would like to see."</p><p>"I would use magic, of course. I specialized in ice and healing."</p><p>"Ice and healing?"</p><p>I nod. "I can freeze the fish in the water. I will admit it would not be as simple as I make it sound, but I can try it. I have had little time to practice since we left the Circle, so if I do not catch anything, I will at least have learned something."</p><p>Gabriel stands and points further downhill. "Ser Marcus said he saw a river just down the slope while he was gathering firewood."</p><p>"Then let us go and see if we can find some dinner."</p><p>Gabriel tells the others where we are headed and the two of us disappear down the hill. Through a small cluster of trees is the river his man Ser Marcus had told him about. It is quite narrow and slow moving, curving through the small gully at odd angles. It does not look promising, but I walk to the edge, nonetheless, peering over into the water to see if I can spot anything edible.</p><p>With the moonlight blocked by the surrounding trees, I ignite a small ball of flame within my palm, startling Gabriel who is by my side.</p><p>"Sorry, I forgot to warn you," I say, moving my hand away from him in case it makes him uncomfortable.</p><p>Gabriel shakes his head, peering closely at the fire in my hand. "No, no. It is perfectly fine. I...I simply was surprised, is all. I have not seen you use magic before. I am aware you are a mage, but it is odd seeing it with my own eyes. How remarkable. You did that so effortlessly."</p><p>I find myself blushing. I have been complimented on my use of magic many times by fellow mages who are envious of my natural talents and delicate form, but I have never had a templar say such things.</p><p>"I have First Enchanter Lydia as my mentor," I say, looking down at the fire that captivates him. "Though I am sure that Nani is far more skilled than I with this spell. I must sit down with her while we are out here and have her show me some of her spells. I have never been particularly great with fire. Though, lightning is my weakness. I only know the basics and I taught them to myself using tomes from the Circle library."</p><p>"Does it hurt? The fire, I mean. Can you feel it?"</p><p>I smile, amused by his questions. "I can feel it, yes. But it does not hurt. Think of it more like the wind, only a little heavier. Perhaps like dipping your hand in water. You can feel the mass around your hand, but it has little affect. That is what it feels like with fire. I can feel it touching me, but it does not hurt, nor leave any marks."</p><p>Gabriel's eyes sparkle with wonder. "While I know the dangers of magic, I have always thought it fascinating. I have read a little on it, but my understanding is limited."</p><p>"I can show you some more spells, if you wish it."</p><p>He chuckles and shakes his head. "No, that won't be necessary. We really ought to limit the magic used while we travel. We may not be within the Circle now, but we are the representatives of it. Using magic needlessly will only draw unwanted attention."</p><p>I nod, turning my attention back to the river. "I understand. As I told the Knight-Commander, I do not wish to jeopardize this mission. Now, let me see what I can do about some dinner."</p><p>My fishing endeavors proved mildly fruitful. Gabriel and I return to the campsite with three fish of varied sizes. While it is not enough to feed everyone, it is a start. Ser Matthew returns soon after with the rest of the supplies and we all settle down for a small meal and then into our bed rolls for some rest.</p><p>The templars take turns resting and keeping watch. Nani and I huddle together for warmth as we are not used to the cooler Fereldan temperatures. It does not rain, thankfully, so we thank the Maker for that small fortune.</p><p>Despite all of us being exhausted from the journey so far, Gabriel wakes us all before dawn so that we can pack up the camp and be on our way once there is enough light.</p><p>This is the way of things for the following night before we reach the tip of Lake Calenhad. Gabriel says we are making excellent time despite most of us not having travelled before. He estimates our journey should take us less than another week should we continue at this pace.</p><p>We make camp away from the edge of Lake Calenhad, the templars on higher alert than usual. Whilst we are not in particular danger in this area, it is wise to be on guard.</p><p>The tension in the air is a sign of what is to come as we descend towards Haven, our destination. It is where the Divine's people are located and the place for those who gather for the Conclave to set their camps. As Haven is located on the other side of the mage-templar conflict, we are to pass through some dangerous areas on our travels.</p><p>When I questioned Gabriel on why we did not simply go around, he explained the difficulty of passing over the Frostback Mountains to Haven's west. As such a small travel party, it did not seem wise to take unnecessary risks. However, it seemed to me that tempting fate by entering the warzone is no less likely to end up causing us great harm.</p><p>Lydia had not told me much in the way of details regarding the mage-templar war, but as it has been named a war, I can imagine the bloodshed to be quite significant. As we near the stage of our journey where things are becoming more treacherous and serious, my nerves begin to show themselves. Not only will we face great danger and possible confrontation from either, or both sides of the war, soon enough we shall arrive at the Conclave, and my true purpose on this mission will come to fruition. To think that it is I that is to represent the mages of my Circle scares me almost as much as the fear of encountering danger as we pass through the Hinterlands.</p><p>For this first part of the journey I have kept the thoughts of what is to come from my mind. I have focused myself on the newfound moments of freedom and I have enjoyed them as much as I can. But with the realization that the fun of it will be soon coming to an end, another revelation follows soon after; that with our arrival in Haven, my time outside of the Circle will be near halfway done and soon I will have to return.</p><p>These thoughts keep me from getting much sleep as we camp in the shadow of Kinloch Hold. Beside me Nani sleeps peacefully, her round face content. I watch her for a short while, admiring her ability to block out all negativity and focus purely on the positives. I have never met someone so rightfully carefree. I have met plenty of careless people, but that is not the same. Nani cares a great deal too much for everyone and everything, however, she does not let it eat away at her. I admire that about her. I wish I were so brave. Perhaps I would not be doubting myself as I am now.</p><p>Frustrated by my own thoughts, I climb out from the bed roll to place another piece of wood on the campfire. Ser Marcus, Ser Matthew and the other templar that I think is named Ser Lynn; a woman I can gather from the voice, but she has never revealed her face around me; are asleep in their own bed rolls as they are to wake in a few hours to take over the watch from Gabriel and Landen.</p><p>Glancing around me I can see both watchmen at their posts. Gabriel is seated on a fallen log in the direction of the road, while Landen has taken his post downhill towards Lake Calenhad. Both are alert, eyes moving from tree to tree.</p><p>My eyes linger on Gabriel's broad back for a moment, but I decide not to bother him. Truthfully, since what happened back at the inn, we have spoken purely of important matters of the journey. In a way I am glad for it as it leaves us still at arm's length, but there are questions that I do wish answered. He told me that following morning that he would not give up on me, despite his feelings not being reciprocated. That had left me with many questions. Why does he care about me so? For what purpose or gain? What exactly are those feelings? Why is this so important to him? Why will he not just leave me be?</p><p>I sigh and turn my back to him. I do not wish to be alone with him while these questions still bounce about my head. Instead I approach Landen. His eyes find me quickly, alerted by snapping twigs under clumsy feet.</p><p>Instantly his face whitens, and he looks away. He has not spoken to me since he witnessed that scene in the inn.</p><p>I hold my hands up in the air defensively, a warm smile on my lips. "I am not here to confront you on anything, Knight-Lieutenant, you need not look so ill when you see me."</p><p>I can see the guilt flash in his soft eyes, and he sighs. "I am ashamed of what happened. Please forgive me."</p><p>I laugh softly and seat myself beside him, ensuring a decent space between us to save the poor boy from any more shame. "You were an innocent party. It is I that should be ashamed. To be found in such a state and to have done what I had done. It was unintentional and I do feel sorry for it."</p><p>There is a mixture of emotions and questions on his face as he looks to me sideways. "The Knight-Captain told me not to speak of it, to forget what I saw."</p><p>I nod, my smile turning knowing. "Of course he did. He is as ashamed as I."</p><p>"That is not what he told me, my lady."</p><p>My smile turns to a curious frown. "No? Then what did the Knight-Captain tell you?"</p><p>Panic forces his eyes away from mine and he shifts himself further away. "I-I did not mean to say such things. It is not my place to say anything."</p><p>I shift closer to him, desperate to know what he had meant. "I will not tell him what you say. You have my word."</p><p>"It is still none of my business, my lady. Forgive me."</p><p>I let out a sigh. "How annoying. You are a good deal too good, Knight-Lieutenant. I adore that about you, but it is infuriating at the same time."</p><p>"My lady!" he shouts, a little louder than I had hoped. I glance in the direction of Gabriel who is now looking over at us. I cannot make his expression, but I am sure he is scolding me from across the camp.</p><p>I stand, once again holding my hands in the air. "It is a compliment. I simply wish more templars were like you. You are far kinder than even most mages I have met. It is a good thing."</p><p>Landen sighs and looks down at his feet. "I am not as good as you think me to be. I do not deserve your praise."</p><p>The sadness in his tone squeezes my heart tightly. I crouch before him, trying to draw his attention. "What do you mean?"</p><p>He avoids my eyes for a moment, then looks at me with such a sad intensity that I am sure he might cry. "You say that more templars ought to be like me. But I am not a good templar. I am not indifferent to mages and I do not take any joy in watching them suffer. I do not like to see them locked away and abused. They scare me; you scare me. But it is the magic that is the cause of my fear, not the people. It is unfair of me. If I were to see a man walking the streets with a sword on his hip, should I lock him away in fear of that sword and how he might choose to use it? I am not naïve, my lady. I know how dangerous magic can be. But it does not seem right to punish so many for the mistakes of the few."</p><p>I reach a hand to touch his arm. He flinches as I do so but does not pull away. "Landen, what a wonderful person you are. Truly. I do not take back what I said. You are what the templars ought to be."</p><p>There is a warmth in his eyes as he looks at me. We stay this way a moment, sharing no words, merely a look of understanding.</p><p>A thought enters my mind then and I decide now is the time to mention it. If I wait much longer, I may miss my chance.</p><p>"Forgive me for prying, but is there something between you and Nani, Knight-Lieutenant?"</p><p>Instantly his face flushes bright red and he pulls away to face the lake. "W-what in the Maker's name do you mean, my lady?"</p><p>Once again, we draw the unwanted attention of the Knight-Captain, who this time has risen to his feet, scowling down at us.</p><p>"I do not mean to offend you, I just was merely curious," I say, rising to my feet. "I have seen how you look at her, and she at you. She talks of you all the time. I thought there must be something there."</p><p>His eyes dart to mine. "She speaks of me to you?"</p><p>I fight back a smile. "Indeed. I have grown quite exhausted of hearing all of your kind words repeated through her mouth, to be honest."</p><p>"Does she truly talk of me that much?"</p><p>I nod. "Yes, Knight-Lieutenant. Now I do not wish for either of you to get hurt, but I know how you both must feel. You know about Gabriel and I, so I would give you some advice. If you feel for her, then tell her. Life is short and our journey will end soon enough. Make the most of your time together because you may not have the chance to do so again. And if you need some help slipping away, or for me to distract the Knight-Captain for a while, then you need only ask. I will support you both and protect what you have."</p><p>Landen's face brightens into a remarkable smile at my words. "Thank you, my lady! With all my heart."</p><p>I return his smile, though it is less than half as vibrant as his own. "Anytime, Landen."</p><p>I leave him then, allowing him time with his thoughts and to let him get back to his duties. When I reach the camp, Gabriel strides over to me, his eyes going from scolding me to glancing back over his shoulder to his post.</p><p>"What in the Maker's name was all that fuss? Why were you speaking with the Knight-Lieutenant? He has a duty to keep watch, you well know. Distractions are dangerous." His eyes run the length of me which causes me to smile teasingly.</p><p>"Am I that distracting, Knight-Captain?"</p><p>There is a mix of passion and irritation in his eyes, but the irritation is victorious. "I would say more of an interference than a distraction."</p><p>"That is unkind of you to say." I cross my arms over my chest. "You take every chance you get to have your way with me, then say such things when I displease you?"</p><p>There is a pang of guilt, then he sighs. "There are more important things to worry about right now. We are closing in on dangerous grounds, Astri. I cannot let myself be distracted by you. Nor can the Knight-Lieutenant."</p><p>I glance over my shoulder at Landen who is smiling up at the moon. "It is not me that distracts the boy. It is Nani who has bewitched him."</p><p>Gabriel appears shocked. "Enchanter Valoris? And Landen?"</p><p>I nod, my smile wicked. "Is that such an impossible thing, Knight-Captain? It seems to be quite common for templars to fall for mages lately, do you not agree?"<br/>Gabriel eyes me and lets out a groan. "Why must things always be so complicated? First you, and now one of my men is in love with a mage? This mission will be the end of me, I swear."</p><p>I laugh and touch his face with a gentle finger. "You are too serious. We are a team. We will get through this together. And if Landen and Nani love each other, then let them steal some moments together. It is what they deserve. When we return to the Circle, it will be over for them."</p><p>"And what of us?"</p><p>I sigh, lowering my hand to my side. "Is there an 'us'?"</p><p>He frowns. "Is there not? Not even a possibility?" I knew I did not believe his speech back at the inn about being okay with things being one-sided.</p><p>"Gabe, you know as well as I that this is impossible. Just as it is for them. You may be the Knight-Captain, but that will not protect us from everything. For now, we are living our best lives, but when we return to the Circle, I still think it best that we do not see each other again."</p><p>He swallows hard and averts his gaze. "If that is the case, then why drag things out any longer." He sighs, eyes never returning to mine. "Goodnight, Lady Trevelyan. Sleep well. We have a long day again tomorrow." He bows and strides off back to his post, leaving me with yet another pounding headache.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Bitterness and Betrayal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following day we take to the Imperial Highway and begin the final leg of our journey. There are signs of disarray along this area, but life seems to remain fairly normal. Gabriel speaks with locals as we go, piecing together the information he can gather to make critical decisions on how we approach Haven and the Temple of Sacred Ashes.</p><p>Despite my slow burning anger towards him for saying what he said the night before, I respect how he goes about things. It occurs to me that I have never asked his age, nor much else about himself, in fact. This revelation only adds to my understanding that he and I are certainly not an 'us' and likely will never be.</p><p>However, as the day goes on and we begin the search for a place to make camp, my eyes are drawn to Gabriel's back countless times as I try to piece together my own knowledge of him so far. I am frustrated, in the end, by the lack of any real information that I have on him. His family is well known for their service to the Order. His uncle is the Knight-Commander of Ostwick Circle, while he is the Knight-Captain. He looks to be somewhat older than I, but no more than ten years older I assume.</p><p>I let out a long sigh. I have slept with the man twice and yet I do not even know his age. I must be going mad.</p><p>We make camp away from the edge of Lake Calenhad once again. Nani and Landen sneak away to gather firewood at my insistence and I marvel as their arms brush as they disappear into the trees.</p><p>Gabriel's eyes burn into me and I give him a satisfied smile. I will not let him ruin their fun, nor my own. I want to see Nani happy. If it is Landen that makes her so, then I will support her wholeheartedly.</p><p>Much to my disappointment, the couple return to the camp after only a short while with arms full of sticks to make the fire. I had not expected them to go galivanting through the woods naked, but I had hoped they might at least take some time to be alone and talk to each other.</p><p>I sigh, watching them put together the fire, Nani lighting it with her magic. I suppose this is what love is. No wonder I do not recognize it. I have yet to know it for myself.</p><p>Weary of my own thoughts, I decide to find my trunk that is on a small cart that Ser Lynn's horse is in charge of pulling. Looking at it now I wonder if I should have chosen something more practical. I had not been prepared for this kind of travel.</p><p>Lifting it from the carriage I am stunned by the weight of it. While I did not pack much, the trunk itself is half my body weight at least. I struggle a little, groaning as I let it drop to the ground with a thud.</p><p>All eyes turn to me and I smile wryly before crouching down to open the lid. Inside I find my belongings. Clothes and bits and pieces. Reaching inside I dig around at the bottom of the trunk until my fingers find the spine of a book. Glancing around to see if anyone is watching, I then retrieve it, examining the cover and being thankful that it is plain in style.</p><p>I tuck the book under my arm and move to sit on the edge of the camp, back turned to the others. Opening the first page I am reminded of when I first read these words. I was probably around fifteen when I read this book. It feels like a lifetime ago. I was so absorbed in my studies, as I always have been. This book had planted the seeds of hope in my mind. A love affair between two mages; one an apostate and the other the First Enchanter of a Circle. Thinking about the concept now I know how ridiculous it is, but it was so well written that I had been sucked into it in an instant. Reading these words again now fills me with a warm feeling that I have not felt in a very long time.</p><p>"I see that I am not the only one of us who thought to educate ourselves whilst away."</p><p>I freeze in place, slamming the book shut and holding to my chest. I turn my head to see Caius standing beside me, a book of his own tucked neatly under his arm. His silver hair glows in the evening light, his narrow face as expressionless at ever.</p><p>"Of what nature is your book, Lady Trevelyan? Winter form? Specializations? Magical classifications? Or have you exceeding those categories as well?"</p><p>Words fail me completely. This is the first time Caius has spoken to me since we left the Circle. I am unsure if I am delirious from exhaustion or if he truly has approached me to speak with me and was not physically forced to do so.</p><p>"It must be quite something to render your mind so useless. Forbidden arts, perhaps?"</p><p>I shake my head abruptly, snapping out of my daze. "N-no! That is not it at all!"</p><p>He raises a pointed eyebrow. "You need not be so defensive. The templars are not within earshot. If I had known you had such diverse tastes, I might have approached you sooner." He seats himself beside me and offers me his book. "Necromancy. Whilst not forbidden like Blood Magic, it is still not widely accepted. I have known several exemplary Necromancers in my time and have grown quite fascinated by it and the Mortalitasi. Have you read much of either?"</p><p>Looking down at the book he handed to me I am impressed by the extravagance of it. Black leather in words inlaid with gold. Fur pressed around the border and the spine woven with what looks like golden silk. Opening it the pages are no less impressive with intricate fonts and headings. Even the diagrams and illustrations are perfection.</p><p>"No, I have not. None, in fact," I say, continuing to admire the craftsmanship of the book. "First Enchanter Lydia said I should learn practical magic. I specialized in healing, then in ice. I have heard of Necromancy from lessons at the Circle, but I have not studied it."</p><p>"Healing is useful and requires incredible skill and concentration. If that was your first specialization, then I am impressed. Ice, however, could not be any less intriguing. Any mage can master it."</p><p>I stifle a laugh. The arrogance of him has no limits. Though, I suppose when you are as accomplished as he, and given the title of Senior Enchanter, you can be excused for being a little self-absorbed. Though he appears to be in his thirties, I am sure is nearly twice that age.</p><p>"If you should like to borrow this book for your own personal studies, do not hesitate to ask. And if my knowledge on subjects interests you in the slightest, I am willing to answer any questions. Just because we are travelling like common folk and deploring ourselves to their lifestyle, does not mean we cannot use our time wisely and educate our minds and bodies." He retrieves his book from me, bows his head and then disappears out of view.</p><p>Looking down at the novel I had snuck away to glance over, I feel like a bit of a fool. Wasting my time on this journey worried over Gabriel and letting myself be confused by him.</p><p>What happened on the balcony and at the inn will not happen again. I make this vow to myself.</p><p>Caius has certainly gained my attention. As a Senior Enchanter, to hear him talk of Necromancy and Blood Magic so confidently made me uncomfortable, but it has made me wonder. I have no interest in either but knowing that someone that Lydia respects so completely has such interests is unexpected. She has spent years telling of the dangers of magic and how we must learn to control it. I agree that Blood Magic is not the right way to use magic, but I have to wonder at the details. The more time I spend outside of the Circle, the more I realize how little I truly know of everything. The world, the people, the war, magic. All of it has been filtered to me through the Chantry, then the Templars, then through Lydia and my own limited comprehension of things. What else do I not know about? I am sure that the answer is infinite. All these years of being congratulated as a skilled mage only to discover that I am as ignorant as the rest of them.</p><p>I frown at the novel in my hand. I no longer feel the urge to read it. In fact, I regret not bringing something useful now more than ever.</p><p>Returning to my trunk, I stash the book at the very bottom once again. When I return to the campfire, I find Nani alone, Landen and Gabriel nowhere to be seen.</p><p>"Is everything alright?" I say, seating myself beside my friend.</p><p>Nani nods, eyes fixated on the fire. "The Knight-Captain and Knight-Lieutenant have gone to scout the area. Ser Matthew said when he rode ahead, he encountered the remnants of a small battle. Mages and templars, it would appear." Her eyes meet mine. "I have a bad feeling about this, Astri. We are in danger."</p><p>The seriousness of her tone causes my chest to tighten, but I try to force a smile. "We will be alright. The templars will protect us."</p><p>"Do you honestly believe that? I am not so sure. What happens if they see what the mages are doing out here and decide that we are all just too dangerous to allow to live?"</p><p>"Gabe would never do such a thing. Nor would Landen. Do you not trust either of them?"</p><p>She sighs. "I do, but I know what fear can do to people. I may have been born in the Circle, but my mother, and many others were not. I have heard the horrors they faced."</p><p>"We are not blood mages, nor are we even armed. They trust us."</p><p>Nani eyes me carefully. "Do you believe that, or do you wish you did? Templars are still templars, whether they play nicely or not. We are not in the Circle anymore."</p><p>Across from us I can see Gabriel's remaining men gathered in discussion, Ser Flynn glancing in our direction as they speak. A lump forms in my throat as I contemplate Nani's words. I trust Gabriel and Landen, but these three I do not. Suddenly I am praying that they return from their patrol before something can go wrong.</p><p>Night falls and the templars resume their usual watch duties. Thoughts of my conversation with Nani and the road ahead plague me. Staring up at the stars above I am torn between being thankful for the sight of them or wishing myself back in the safety of the Circle. For the first time on this journey I have regrets for taking on this mission. I feel like my naivety knows no bounds. I left the tower fully certain that I was smart enough and strong enough to handle everything that might happen to me. I had not doubted anything for a second. And now that cold feeling I first felt back at the inn threatens to consume me. I am scared. I do not like this feeling.</p><p>Dark memories from that day that Gabriel saved me from that other templar come to mind and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing them away. I have never felt as helpless as I had on that day. I am beginning to feel like that again. I do not like it.</p><p>Closing my eyes, I can still feel my terror as that templar had forced me into a corner. The way his eyes burned into mine and the force of his hand around my wrist. Until that moment I had thought that the templars were there to protect us from ourselves and demons. They were there to guard us from harm and to keep us safe. I had never questioned it until that moment. They were never our friends, but they were our allies. The way that they were always courteous to Lydia and to myself. There were a handful that were cruel, and I did fear them and the power they held over us. However, I had thought if I were careful and kept to myself that I would live my life in peace. All it took for that to change was the bump of a shoulder.</p><p>My eyes open with a start and I sit upwards, gasping for air. Looking around me the campsite is dark with only the faint glow of the fire flickering nearby.</p><p>"Astri? Are you alright?"</p><p>Beside me Nani stirs from her sleep, peering up at me through half open eyes.</p><p>I sigh, rubbing my hand across my face. I dreamt of that templar and those same demons that have plagued me since my Harrowing. I had not even noticed that I had fallen asleep.</p><p>Realizing that I am trembling, I turn away from Nani. "I-I am fine, Nani. Go back to sleep."</p><p>"You look terrified. Are you sure you are alright?"</p><p>I nod and force an uneven smile. "I am fine. Just had a bad dream. I think I might need a drink of water or something. Go back to sleep. I will be back shortly."</p><p>She does not look convinced, but her exhaustion gets the better of her and within moment she is asleep again.</p><p>I place wood on the fire and fuel it with a small fire spell. When I am sure it has been revived, I glance around at the sleeping bodies of my party members. I can see that Gabriel has yet to be relieved of his shift as his bed roll remains empty. However, I can see that Landen has returned to his and Ser Marcus' is now vacant. I frown. I have not seen Gabriel sleep since we left the inn. I had thought it was due to my being asleep for the duration of his own rest, but now I wonder if he has slept at all.</p><p>I find no sign of him as I scan the immediate area. Perhaps he is patrolling. I sigh and walk a little way from the camp. I recall seeing a small spring nearby when we arrived. I had made a mental note of it thinking that I might be able to wash myself a little in the morning. It has been days since I have done so, and I feel all kinds of disgusting.</p><p>Walking through the trees I begin to question my memory. I thought it was closer to the camp than this. My eyes dart from shrub to tree, questioning every small sound. I halt just out of view from the camp. I should turn back.</p><p>The sound of running water catches my attention and I sigh with relief. I have come the right way after all. The water hole should be just through here.</p><p>Pushing through the foliage I find what I have been seeking. It is a small body of water that is fed by a slow-moving creek. I dip a hand into the water and find that it is a few degrees warmer than freezing. It will do.</p><p>I wash my face first, then my neck. Removing the top half of my robes I clean my torso, thankful to be rid of the grime of days of hard travel. I consider simply diving into the water, but decide it is not a good idea. I do not know the depth, nor what lies within. I cannot swim and I would rather not brush against an eel or something horrible like that.</p><p>Satisfied that at least half of me is clean I decide to dress and head back to camp. However, no sooner do I stand to leave do I hear the crunching of footsteps in the darkness.</p><p>I freeze. I am not far from camp, but far enough that if I come to any harm the others may not hear it.</p><p>Praying that it is Gabriel on patrol, I wait. I figure if it is a wild animal that I might be able to handle it on my own.</p><p>But it is not a wild animal that appears.</p><p>I recognize the templar armour instantly and my entire body goes cold. With helmets on I cannot see their faces. While I pray to the Maker that these are not the rogue templars I have heard about, my senses tell me those prayers are in vain.</p><p>"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"</p><p>A shiver runs down my spine. I had not thought the rogue templars would risk venturing so far north. As far as I knew their forces were concentrated in the east and south. This is rebel mage territory.</p><p>This realization sends a second chill through my body. They must think that I am an apostate.</p><p>I raise my hands above my head, my whole-body trembling. "I am unarmed. I am not an apostate. I am a mage from the Ostwick Circle of Magi. I am not a rebel. I am a loyalist."</p><p>All three of them laugh a low, menacing laugh and I feel my knees growing weak.</p><p>I should have stayed at the camp!</p><p>"We have been watching your group for some time," one of the says as he stalks closer to me. "What a disgusting sight you all have made. Loyalist mages, you say. Your templar leader is nothing short of a traitor. The Circles have been officially disbanded as per the declaration of your treacherous Grand Enchanter Fiona. Have you not heard? There is no such thing as the Circle of Magi anymore. All mages are apostates now."</p><p>I do not move. I am frozen in my place. None of what he says makes any sense. Lydia said that these talks at the Conclave were to stop such a thing from happening. She had not told me of any of this. Had she not known? Has this only just happened?</p><p>"I-I have been sent from the Ostwick Circle to journey to the Divine's Conclave as a representative of the loyalist mages who still remain within their tower. We have no intention of rebelling."</p><p>The templar stands before me, his helmet merely inches from my face. He snorts at my words. "You have no intention of rebelling? What a joke! All mages are corrupt and deserve to be put down like the ungrateful dogs that you are. My comrades and I served the Order for decades keeping your filth contained and away from the rest of the world. We have killed more of you than we could count. I have never met a mage that did not want more than they were worthy of. There is no such thing as a loyalist mage."</p><p>The pure hate in his tone chills my blood. I cannot think on what I should do. Do I attack to defend myself, or do I run? If I attack, then they will surely be able to overcome me. Templars are made to fight against magic. I can already feel their auras hindering me. I can feel the barrier between myself and my magic growing. They are already suppressing it.</p><p>Then my only chance is to run. I need to get as close to the camp as I can.</p><p>A blade slices through flesh and with a yell, one of the templars falls to the ground. With wide eyes I see the body in a heap, covered in blood, with another templar standing over him. Wide shoulders and unnatural height.</p><p>Gabriel!</p><p>My momentary relief is snatched away when the templar who had been threatening me grabs me, his sword at my throat. I wince at the pain as the edge of the blade cuts into my skin when I try to move.</p><p>"Hold, stranger," the templar says. "What business do you have here? That was my man!"</p><p>Gabriel raises his sword to point at the templar's head. "And that mage is my charge. I am the Knight-Captain of the Ostwick Circle of Magi, and this mage in under my protection. You will release her this instant!" The dominance in his tone is almost tangible. I have heard Gabriel order his men around before, but this is something different. The strength and the anger. It reminds me of the one who holds me captive.</p><p>The templar sneers. "Your charge? It is an apostate. The Circles are disbanded. It dies."</p><p>Gabriel lowers his sword. "I knew of you traitors out here acting the fools, but I had not imagined this kind of idiocy. You serve the Chantry. Is killing innocents the Maker's will? Is that what you truly believe?"</p><p>"I serve the Order. The Chantry does not care for the templars, it never has. We are told to protect the world from magic, yet we act like nurse maids to it. I have seen your group, Knight-Captain. You are no better than they are."</p><p>Whilst the templar is talking I focus my mind, willing my magic to find me again. But the barrier put in place will not allow it. Every time I feel as though I might touch it, it sweeps away again.</p><p>Gabriel raises his sword again. "You are a coward. You are weak. We are to serve the Maker and to protect the world from evil. Magic is magic. It is not always evil. You have allowed your own hate to corrupt your purpose. Release my charge, this will be your last warning."</p><p>The templar glances at his remaining man who has stood down until now.</p><p>"I will not take orders from a traitor!"</p><p>A green light falls over us and the templar releases his hold on me as though the light made him do it. I fall to the ground, my entire body completely weak with fear.</p><p>Gabriel's blade slices the other templar and then he turns to the one who had held me captive.</p><p>"I had intended to spare you, but I will not allow another innocent to die at your unworthy hand. May you find redemption in the Maker's mercy." His blade enters the templar's torso with a sickening sound that makes me want to gag. I turn away, blood gushing around me.</p><p>And then it is over.</p><p>Gabriel pulls me into his arms, his hand searching my body for any wounds. As my sobs begin to rattle my body, he holds me closer.</p><p>"You are safe now," he says softly into my ear. "It is alright, Astri. I am here."</p><p>Caius knees before us and glances over me. His eyes settle on the cut on my throat. "She is mostly unharmed, Knight-Captain. But we should return to camp before we attract more unwanted attention."</p><p>Gabriel nods. He stands, sliding his sword into its sheath, then sweeping me into his arms. The walk back to camp feels like an eternity. I cannot contain my tears and I tremble. Gabriel tries to comfort me by tightening his arms around me, but somehow it only makes me feel worse.</p><p>Back in camp Nani is frantic with worry. When she sees us, she comes running.</p><p>"Astri! By the Maker! Are you okay? What in the world were you thinking!"</p><p>"Now might not be the best time for those questions," Caius says, his voice as flat and formal as always. "She has had quite the ordeal."</p><p>Gabriel takes me to his bed roll. "Try to get some sleep, Enchanter. Caius and I will watch over her."</p><p>"And how do you suggest I do that? There are templars and apostates crawling through these woods. We are not safe here."</p><p>Gabriel sighs, a large hand on my forehead, dark eyes sorrowful as they look into mine. "Nani, we do not have a choice. If we are to make it to the Conclave, then we must continue our journey. We will leave before sunrise. Please, get some rest. Allow the rest of us to do the same."</p><p>Nani hesitates. "Are you not concerned about this at all, Knight-Captain?"</p><p>He frowns up at her. "Of course I am. But I know my duty. I also know the rogue templars and their skills. I am confident that we will reach Haven safely." He points westward. "Earlier on our patrol, Landen and I spoke with a local farmer who said that there is a path at the base of the Frostbacks that leads to Haven. It is not well known and treacherous, but he is certain it is free from rogue templars and apostates. We will take that path."</p><p>Nani's eyes move from him to me and back. She sighs. "Very well. Thank you, Knight-Captain. For saving Astri, and, well, for everything. Astri trusts you, so I will too." She goes to our bed roll then, Landen seating himself beside her and speaking softly.</p><p>Gabriel's attention turns back to me. His finger touches my throat, examining the cut. "Can you heal her, Caius?"</p><p>Caius kneels beside me. "Indeed. It is not deep. There is no danger to her life. It should not leave a scar, either." He closes his eyes, his hand moving to hover over my throat. A green light consumes his hand.</p><p>I wince as there is a slight burning sensation in my throat, quickly followed by nothing at all. The pain is gone.</p><p>"You will have some tenderness on the area," he says. "But no pain. You need rest."</p><p>Wiping away my tears I try to seat myself. Both Gabriel and Caius push me down again.</p><p>"I-I am fine," I say, voice shaking as much as my hands.</p><p>"You have been through an ordeal." Caius removes his hand from my shoulder and glances around the camp. "I will take over the watch, Knight-Captain."</p><p>Gabriel shakes his head. "No, if templars attack then you will be defenseless."</p><p>Caius smiles confidently. "I would argue that we would be better off under the protection of magic. Templars will not surprise me, Knight-Captain. That would be impossible. Should we be set upon, I need only wake you."</p><p>Gabriel sighs. "Very well. Wake me if there is anything amiss."</p><p>Caius nods. "Of course."</p><p>When Caius is out of earshot Gabriel draws his blanket up over me, ensuring that I am warm and comfortable.</p><p>"I should go back to my own bed roll."</p><p>Gabriel shakes his head. "No, stay there. I am fine to sleep on the ground." He lowers himself onto the ground beside me, his hands behind his head, eyes on the sky above.</p><p>I watch him for a moment, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the way his eyes never fully open. "When was the last time you slept?"</p><p>He chuckles and glances over at me. "Truthfully, I cannot tell you. It has been some time."</p><p>I frown, propping my head on my hand. "How are you supposed to protect us if you do not rest?"<br/>"I protected you just fine against those rogue templars."</p><p>"You know what I mean."</p><p>He groans. "I do what I must. My men need the rest. I am fine."</p><p>"An exhausted Knight-Captain benefits no one. Especially your men."</p><p>Gabriel rolls to face me, mimicking my pose. "You speak of templar matters very decidedly for a mage."</p><p>My frown deepens. "This is not a matter of templars or mages."</p><p>"Actually, that is exactly what it is. Templars protect mages as they have always done. It is no different here."</p><p>"It is completely different!" I sit upward in a huff. "Ever since we left the Circle everything has been different. No matter what we say or do, the world has changed. I have seen it with my own eyes now. I thought Lydia was protecting us by keeping all of this from us, but now I am beginning to wonder if there was more to it."</p><p>"What are you saying?" Gabriel's tone is low. I can see by the coldness in his eyes that tells me he is not impressed by what I have to say. "You do not sympathize with the rebel mages, do you?"</p><p>"How could I not? Gabe, you have seen the Circle. You know what we mages endure. Templars taking advantage of us, hating us, looking down on us. Our magic is feared, distrusted. We did not ask for it. Why must it be made to be a curse? I passed my Harrowing. I know that Blood Magic is not the answer for any situation. Yet I am punished for the mistakes of a few."</p><p>Gabriel grabs my arm, his face close enough to mine that our noses almost touch. "Enough! You need to stop talking." He glances around at the sleeping bodies scattered about the campsite. "If my men heard those words and they reported back to my uncle you would be beyond my reach."</p><p>I pull my arm away. "I am not a rebel. I will not kill templars for my freedom. But I cannot ignore what is happening around us, Gabe. I have turned a blind eye for so long. I was certain I would die in that tower never having lived. But that templar told me things...I cannot ignore it any longer."</p><p>"Told you what things?" His eyes stab into mine like knives. "Astri. What did he say to you?"</p><p>I swallow hard. "The Circles...they have been disbanded."</p><p>Gabriel swears and pulls away from me.</p><p>"Did you know?"</p><p>He does not meet my eyes. "News arrived the day we bumped into one another in the great hall."</p><p>I blink several times, my mind sorting through hundreds of thoughts at once. "That was the day Lydia told me I was to go to the Conclave."</p><p>He nods once. "She chose you because she believed you to be loyalist."</p><p>"Then why was I not told of the Circles being disbanded? I would have found out once we reached the Conclave."</p><p>He closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. "It was believed that you would simply accept it and continue your duty. The Knight-Commander and First Enchanter did not want to give you the chance to question things. They knew you would see this rebellion firsthand."</p><p>Suddenly I feel ill. My hand clutches my stomach in an effort to stop myself from heaving. My head spins and I begin to tremble once again.</p><p>Gabriel is in front of me, hands on my shoulders to steady me.</p><p>"Astri? Astri?"</p><p>I shove him with all my strength, but he does not budge. "I have been used!" I shove him again. "Get your hands off me!"</p><p>Gabriel retreats instantly, his eyes wide. "That is not what I meant! No one used you."</p><p>"Is that so?" I rise to my feet, looking down at him with fiery eyes. "I was sent on a mission to represent my people, the people I have always trusted and been loyal to. Now you tell me that my own mentor deliberately withheld the true nature of my mission because she did not trust me enough?"</p><p>"Well clearly she was right to. You talk of this war as though you want to be a part of it."</p><p>My jaw clenches. "You know that is not what I want. This war benefits no one. I had the right to know the truth."</p><p>Gabriel reaches for my hand, but I sweep it away. "Astri."</p><p>"No, you do not get to call me by my name, Knight-Captain. I am not your friend."</p><p>Climbing into the bed roll beside Nani, I feel her thin arms wrap around me. I am certain everyone heard our argument, but I do not care. I truly wish I had never left the Circle. I wish I could still be naïve and lonely, wandering the tower in search of a book I have yet to read. I should never have agreed to this mission.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Questioning Duty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The road that the farmer told Gabriel about is as abandoned as expected. It is difficult to navigate and often we have to lead our horses through impasses and narrow pathways. Gabriel leads as he always does, but I chose to follow from the rear. Lost in thought I am reminded by Nani to keep up more times than I can count. As we edge ever closer to our destination, I feel my uncertainties growing.</p><p>It is around noon that we pass a group of bodies on the side of the road, strewn across the muddy ground and rotting slowly in the cold Ferelden weather. I can see their robes and the staves thrown aside. These were mages. Just like me.</p><p>Landen insists on saying a prayer for them before we move on. It feels horrible to leave them as they are, but we do not have the time to burn them. Perhaps the next passers by will have the kind heart to do so. But it is more likely that they will lay there until there is nothing left of them.</p><p>Images of the bodies haunt me as we continue on our way. Just another reason why I should have stayed at the Circle. I have never witnessed death before and the sight was unlike anything I have seen before. All I can wonder is who those people had been. Where had they come from? Were they Circle mages like me? Do they have families waiting for them somewhere?</p><p>We camp inside a small, damp cave. While it is a great deal colder inside than out, it should reduce the likelihood of being spotted from afar by any of the rebel mages or templars. That brings some comfort.</p><p>Gabriel is once again on guard duty and disappears out of the cave soon after we arrive. I am thankful for it. Just the sight of him is enough to turn my stomach and to fill me with rage. To think he once told me that I had used him. I feel betrayed to my very core. Betrayed by him, but also by my mentor and even the Knight-Commander. I had come on this journey to please them, to serve them. But I was only chosen because they considered me obedient.</p><p>I help Nani cook dinner and we serve it out as usual. I give Gabriel's serving to Landen and send him to find his superior. It is usually my task, but I do not wish to be anywhere near him.</p><p>I see the faces of those lifeless mages in my dreams. I try my best to look away from them, but my eyes will not move. Instead I am fixated on them, made to watch them as they decay into nothing. And then there is only darkness.</p><p>When we are awoken before dawn I feel as though I have not slept at all. Every inch of my body feels like iron, stiff and heavy. I have no appetite so do not eat. It is this morning that I notice how loosely my robes fit me. I have always been slim, but my body has filled these clothes well enough until now. I cannot understand whether I have lost weight or if they are so worn by the weather and travel that they are simply giving way around me.</p><p>Whilst continuing our journey alongside the Frostback Mountains, Nani and Caius begin on the subject of magic. I have been paying little attention to the conversations around me until this point.</p><p>"Did you mentors teach you anything on self-defense, or protection, Nani?"</p><p>Nani shakes her head. "Hardly a thing on either. You know how the Circle mages are, Caius. You are a Senior Enchanter, after all. Anything that is not theoretical is few and far between. Beyond learning to cast, there is little practical that is covered. Wards yes, but anything more intricate than the simplest was 'better suited for theory'."</p><p>Caius nods, turning to me. "Did the First Enchanter teach you any of these, Astri?"</p><p>"Only some, but she may as well have not bothered. They did little to aid me when I was captured by those templars."</p><p>Caius chuckles softly. "Of course. Those templars snuck up on you. That was their advantage."</p><p>"But templars can dispel our magic. Why would it matter if they snuck up on her or not?" Nani is as confused as I am.</p><p>"That is very true. Even my magic is useless against templars. The point is not to attack. It is to defend and evade."</p><p>I roll my eyes and sigh. "Then I assure you we learnt plenty about that in the Circle. Confrontation is not a word the Circle is familiar with. Blind obedience, yes, but standing up for yourself, Maker forbid it." I can feel the eyes of Gabriel's men on me as I speak, Gabriel himself casting a frown at me over his shoulder.</p><p>Caius laughs. "You have bite, but you do speak some truths. Though, it is not entirely a bad thing to be obedient. We all serve the Maker and we mages are the children of magic. While it is a gift, it is also a curse. We are wise to be cautious."</p><p>"And we would be far wiser if we were to learn the truths of magic, rather the backwaters."</p><p>Gabriel's horse halts suddenly and he dismounts. "Marcus, Matthews, Lynn. You three ride ahead and find a place for us to rest a while."</p><p>The templars named exchange glances but obey their superior. When they are some ways down the road ahead of us Gabriel walks to my horse and plucks me from it.</p><p>I kick and squirm, yelling as I am carried aside from the group. Caius watches with amusement, while Nani stares in bewilderment. She attempts to come after me but Landen stops her with a hand on her arm.</p><p>Desperation fills me and I can feel my fingers tingle with icicles as my magic surges. It is not a response that I make consciously, simply my body trying to protect me.</p><p>"Ouch!" Gabriel drops me and grabs his arm. His gauntlet is covered in a thin layer of ice. His eyes narrow on me. "What are you trying to do?!"</p><p>I glare up at him from where I fell on my bottom. "I could ask you the same thing. You just dragged me from my horse!"</p><p>"You are the one spitting nonsense in front of my men! Did you not see the way they were looking at you just now? They are beginning to question my orders. They think that you are a risk and that I am protecting you! You are making us both look bad!"</p><p>I snort and find my feet, brushing away the mud from my behind. "The truth is that insulting to you templars? If that is the case, then what must the truth feel like to us mages?"</p><p>He groans and rubs his face with his hand. "Now is not the time for this! Everyone is already on edge because of this whole situation, and you are going out of your way to make things worse. I thought that you were different from the other mages. That you understood things better than most and were smarter than them. But you are buying into this rebellion more than any of them."</p><p>"I am not buying into anything. Telling the truth does not make me a rebel. It does not make me anything but a mage who understands, just as you say you thought I did. I do understand. That is why I think these things. Mages are dangerous. But so are templars who confuse duty with fear. Your men fear me only because they have been made to."</p><p>"No, they fear you because they do not trust you."</p><p>I frown at him. "And we are supposed to earn their trust? I owe them nothing. They have done nothing for me, and should I be attacked, they would save their own lives rather than mine. I will not pretend that I am more than nothing to them."</p><p>Gabriel's eyes are desperate. I can tell that he is trying to hold onto me as long as he can. He can feel the distance growing between us, just as I can. But I do not fear it the way he does. What I fear is letting it grow closer and paying for it with my life.</p><p>I turn away, wrapping my arms around my body against the cold mountain air. "We have a mission to complete, Knight-Captain. I will not jeopardize it any further. My lips will remain sealed from now on. Convince your men that I am not a threat if you can. I want to reach the Conclave as soon as possible so we can head home. I do not wish to be out here any longer than necessary."</p><p>Gabriel is silent for a long moment. "Thank you, my lady."</p><p>I feel a slight pain in my chest when he does not use my name, but I am thankful for it. I may be able to move passed this now. I may be able to heal.</p><p>"I am not doing it for you."</p><p>Haven is not what I had expected. I knew it to be a small town on the edge of a mountain, hidden amongst the wilderness, but the mix of quaintness and extravagance is confusing to the senses. A tiny town consumed by endless rows of tents and the beginnings of a garrison. Looking at it one would think that it is the beginnings of an army, but with Divine Justinia as the head of this congregation, it is safe to assume that these are the bare bones of her own entourage. I do not claim to know anything about the Divine, nor the details of her position, but seeing even the smallest of forces begs the question of their purpose. We are to gather for peace talks between templars and mages. Seeing such protective measures indicates the potential of problems in those negotiations. After what I have seen travelling through Ferelden, I am not surprised to think that this war will not be ended by simple talks.</p><p>Upon our arrival at the campground a man in armour that I do not recognize approaches us. The symbol on his tunic is unlike anything I have seen before, but many of the soldiers wear the same.</p><p>"Greetings, friends," the man says, his Starkhaven accent thick. He glances up at all of us, revealing face tattoos and a flat expression. "Welcome to Haven. What can we do for you?"</p><p>His eyes move to mine and he looks me up and down. I frown at him. He must be a templar.</p><p>"I am Knight-Captain Gabriel Loredan of the Ostwick Circle of Magi. These are my men and charges. We are the representatives for our Circle sent to attend the Divine's Conclave."</p><p>The man looks back to Gabriel and offers a lopsided smile. "Ah, loyalists, I see. Well, thank you for coming. The Divine bids you welcome. The Conclave will gather tomorrow morning at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. I will show you to your tents."</p><p>With a nod, Gabriel dismounts and we all follow suit. The man leads the way through the rows and rows of tents.</p><p>"There are troughs and posts for your horses over there," he says, pointing down the hill a little. "We don't have much the way of pastures what with the snow and all that, but we do have some hay. Speak with the stable hands up at the stables by the main gate. They will give you what you need."</p><p>"Much appreciated, ser," Gabriel replies.</p><p>The man chuckles. "Name's Rylen." He halts by a tent. "You can take these three tents here. It's nothing special, but it'll do. Come find me at the tent by the front gate if you need anything. Otherwise, just grab the nearest soldier and they will help as best they can. Good day." He bows his head. As he leaves his eyes meet mine again and he offers a smirk, before disappearing up the hill between the rows of tents.</p><p>"We may be guests here, but I do not want to become complacent." Gabriel glances inside of the first tent. "I would prefer that we do not divide ourselves unevenly. Knight-Lieutenant." He turns to Landen. "I suggest you bunk with the girls. Having a templar with them will likely defer any interference."</p><p>Landen glances at Nani and I for our approval. "Of course, Knight-Captain. I will watch over them."</p><p>Gabriel nods, his eyes glancing over me ever so briefly. "Caius, I shall be your guard if you wish it."<br/>Caius nods. "Very well."</p><p>Gabriel turns to his remaining men. "You three can share the last tent. But I need you to be vigilant. We will continue guard duties in rotation. We are loyalists amongst both sides of this war. We cannot allow ourselves to be exposed."</p><p>They nod in agreement.</p><p>"Then it is settled. Everyone should rest." Gabriel's eyes meet mine fully. "You heard Rylen. Tomorrow the talks begin. You will need to get some sleep and organize yourself to join the congregation to the Temple of Sacred Ashes in the morning." His eyes trail my body for a moment. "I will see what can be done for a wash basin."</p><p>My jaw clenches. I know I must look horrendous, but he did not have to say such things in front of everyone.</p><p>Landen carries Nani's trunk into the tent, followed by my own. Opening it I find my robes that I had packed for the Conclave. My fingers trail the detailing of the finer robes. The time has almost come for me to put them on and to do my duty for my Circle. It feels surreal. It feels as though an eternity has passed since I packed these robes into this trunk. I feel like a different person entirely.</p><p>"Those are beautiful." Nani's voice over my shoulder startles me. "Sorry! I did not mean to startle you! I just have never seen such beautiful robes before. Mine are so plain. You are so lucky."</p><p>I shake my head. "Having a wealthy family does not make me lucky. I would rather be poor if it meant having nothing to do with them."</p><p>"Oh? You do not get along with your family?"</p><p>I take my clean robes from the trunk, leaving the gold ones for tomorrow, and close the lid. "I have not heard from them in years." While this is not entirely true, it might as well be. That letter and coin purse were useless to me.</p><p>Nani offers a sympathetic smile. "That is too bad. I am sorry to hear it." She spreads herself out on her cot, eyes on the ceiling of the tent. "I miss my mother. I wonder what she is doing right now. Most likely teaching some apprentices. She has always loved teaching."</p><p>I lay down on my own cot, arms behind my head. "Your mother sounds so wonderful. Everything you tell me of her makes her sound like the perfect mother. I envy you."</p><p>"I will introduce you when we return to the Circle. I am certain she will adore you."</p><p>I smile and meet her eyes. "I would love that. Thank you."</p><p>She returns my smile. "Your family may not want you, but mine will gladly take you. I always wanted a sister."</p><p>A warm feeling fills me, and I find my eyelids growing heavy. Within moments I am fast asleep, dreaming of nothing in particular.</p><p>More travel parties arrive throughout the afternoon and evening. Mages to the mage camp, templars to the templar camp, and nobility and Chantry representatives into the township of Haven itself. Nani and I take a walk with Landen as our guard to find some basic necessities and are sent to the main tent where Rylen had told us to find him.</p><p>When we arrive, Rylen is busy talking with two templars who look displeased by something. When we approach, they glance in our direction, clearly unhappy at the sight of us. Noticing the tension, Rylen signals for the men to leave.</p><p>"I'll send a man to deal with this matter," he says. "You need to understand the bigger picture though, friends. But it's not me place to speak on such things. We're just grateful you came at all."</p><p>The templars bow and leave the tent, sneering at Nani and I as they leave.</p><p>Rylen sighs and turns to us. "Settling in alright? There's been a touch of rivalry between the camps already. I pray you are having a better go of it."</p><p>I offer a smile. "We can handle a few sideways glances. Do not worry about us."</p><p>He eyes me for a moment. "We don't have many loyalist mages here. Truth be told, you are the only ones from any Circles. We have some from Orlais and a handful of apostates. But none from an actual Circle."</p><p>"That does not surprise me," I say with sigh. "From what I understand ours is the only Circle that remains intact."</p><p>He nods. "Indeed, it is. A miracle, to be sure."</p><p>I eye him, reading his body language and his expressions. "Are you a templar, Rylen? Forgive me for asking, but you have the air of one."</p><p>Rylen laughs heartily. "The air of one?" His eyes are filled with humour. "Now that's something I've never heard before. Templars have an air? Well, I suppose we do."</p><p>"So, you are a templar, then?"</p><p>Rylen shakes his head. "Not anymore, lass. I was the Knight-Captain in Starkhaven, but when the war broke out, I left the Order."</p><p>"Then you are a rebel?"</p><p>He chuckles. "No. There is no Order anymore. Not here anyway. That is why I am surprised a Circle is still standing at all. Your templars must be extremely loyal to maintain it."</p><p>Behind me I can hear Landen shifting uneasily. Rylen notices this and frowns.</p><p>I swallow down the lump in my throat. "Our Circle is much like all the others were, I am certain." I can feel anger growing inside me. "We have been blessed to have some kind templars accompany us here. But there will always be a divide, as much as we might wish there not to be. Even in a Circle such as ours, mages have never been equal."</p><p>Nani links her arm through mine. "Astri, we should return to our tents. It is already nearly nightfall."</p><p>Rylen bows his head quickly, an uneasy expression on his face. "You have nothing to fear from myself and my men, my lady. I swear it."</p><p>"Thank you, ser," Nani says. "If you could have a man bring us some blankets and soap, if there is any, then we would be much obliged."</p><p>Rylen nods. "Of course. I will see to it immediately."</p><p>Stepping out of the tent my hands tighten into fists. "The Order no longer exists?" I glare down at the snow-covered ground in front of me. "Yet another thing that Gabriel failed to mention."</p><p>Nani sighs. "I have a bad feeling about all of this."</p><p>Rylen's man comes by our tent before long. Nani and I bathe ourselves with the water Gabriel collected for us. It has been far too long since I felt so fresh. Pulling my clean robes up over my body I am now certain that I have lost weight. They do not fit snuggly as they had. Nani suggests tightening the belt which helps a little.</p><p>When we are done Nani calls Landen back inside who is still silently reflecting on what was said in Rylen's tent. He was as shocked as we were that the Order had disbanded. I now know that Gabriel had been keeping these details from all of us, not just me. Somehow, I do not find that reassuring. I am beginning to regret my previous trust in him. Nani was right to doubt him.</p><p>Nani sings one of her pretty little songs and strokes my hair as she usually does to help me sleep. I wonder if this is what having a sister is like. This must be it. This must be family.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Conclave</h2></a>
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    <p>I wake as the sun begins to peer above the horizon. The cold air rattles me as I step out into the morning, preparing myself for the day ahead. The camp is bustling already with people passing by the tent regularly. There is endless chatter all around and the sounds of daily routine. I take in a long, deep breath and savor the commotion. It feels like forever since I was surrounded by people and the faintest feeling of security.</p><p>Gabriel emerges from the tent to my left. He glances over at me briefly before making his way up the hill in the opposite direction. We have yet to speak since what was said two days ago. Truthfully, there is nothing left to say. Whatever understanding there was between us has vanished. He trusts me as little as I trust him.</p><p>"The pilgrimage departs shortly!" A man yells as he walks between the tents. "All representatives are to rendezvous by the eastern gate by sunup!" The man dressed in the guardsman armour glances over me with a judgmental expression. "Watch yourself, spellbind."</p><p>Nani exits our tent with Landen on her heels.</p><p>"This is it, then," she says, eyes to the sky as the sun creeps higher on the horizon. "We are actually going to the Temple of Sacred Ashes."</p><p>I smile warmly. "It feels surreal somehow. We have come so far."</p><p>"It does." She takes my hand in hers. "I am glad that the First Enchanter chose you for this. I think the Divine will like you."</p><p>I chuckle softly. "I doubt that is the point of it. Whether she likes me or not does not matter. We are to represent our Circle. We are a voice of reason. We are the kind of people the Divine wants to help convince the rebels to cooperate. Whether that is possible remains to be seen. From what we have witnessed I do think we have our work cut out for us."</p><p>"Does it have to be that way?" Nani's question confuses me.</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>She lowers her voice. "Do things have to go back to how they were? Our Circle may still stand, but are Circles truly the answer? I know magic is dangerous, but must we always be locked away?"</p><p>I squeeze her hand in mine. "That is what we must decide for ourselves. Are Circles the only future for mages and templars? I wish to find the answer to this question."</p><p>Nani nods and smiles. "You truly were the right person for this, Astri. I am thankful that you were chosen."</p><p>My smile widens as her words warm my heart. All this time I have doubted myself. Doubted my role in all of this. But now I wonder if she is right. Perhaps I am the right person for this mission. My mind is not clouded by resentment, nor am I oblivious to the dangers of magic. I can understand the need for Circles, but also sympathize with the idea of freedom.</p><p>As we walk towards the eastern gate, I find my confidence rising. When Gabriel joins us, I do not even falter. I will not let him bring me down again.</p><p>The Temple of Sacred Ashes is unlike anything I have ever seen before. I thought the Ostwick Circle tower was magnificent and grand. But it is nothing compared to this. I have read about cathedrals and palaces. I can recall a beautiful chantry in Ostwick that I visited as a child; however, those are memories from another life. They do not compare to the sight before me.</p><p>The ceiling is so high that I wonder if the roof touches the clouds outside. Towering over the valley, perched on a mountain top, I can believe that it must. Stained glass windows, pillars of stone as round as ten tree trunks all grouped together. If Landen, Gabriel, Nani, and I all joined hands we would not reach around them.</p><p>Hundreds of bodies crowd the main hall, a clear divide between factions with mages and templars on opposite sides. Our little group finds a place in the back, away from either of the conflicting sides.</p><p>My eyes remain fixated on the ceiling of the enormous hall, admiring the stonework and the detailing. Such a breathtaking structure must have been crafted by incredible stone masons. I can understand why so many visit this place every day, many returning again and again. I could lose myself in wonder here.</p><p>Conversation within the hall softens as footsteps approach. At the top of the steps that lead to the alter stands a figure clad in white and red robes, adorning the crown of the Divine.</p><p>Everyone in the room bows their head in respect as Divine Justinia addresses the room.</p><p>"Welcome, children of the Maker. We humbly offer our gratitude to you all for attending this most anticipated gathering." Her voice is like silk, smooth and elegant. Her Orlesian accent laces her words heavily. I wonder how such a soft tone can travel so far through this empty space and reach those in the back so clearly.</p><p>"We have faced some difficult times, our differences threatening to tear us apart. Our love for the Maker grows weaker as our hearts grow weary. There has been so much death and destruction. We sympathize with all those affected by the sadness of the heart and call upon those willing to listen to speak on behalf of their hearts. The Maker has not forsaken us. His arms are open."</p><p>Looking around at the faces of the mages and templars gathered, I can see the conflicted hearts clearly. The Divine is loved unconditionally by so many, but the war she speaks of is not a common war between kingdoms. It is a fight for freedom. The templars listen carefully, while the mages begin to frown and become unsettled.</p><p>The guards by the Divine's side move closer to her, but she waves them away.</p><p>"Be still, calm your hearts. We did not summon you here to speak of our own troubles. We wish to hear the hearts and mind of you all. This is a place of peace, of understanding."</p><p>Her words are soothing, her tone embracing. The room softens slightly, and both sides begin to talk amongst themselves. I look to Gabriel who is fixated on the Divine, his face expressionless.</p><p>Turning back to the Divine I let out a long breath and close my eyes. I do not know what to expect; will these talks bring an end to this war, or will we all leave here to embrace a changed world?</p><p>As the mages and the templars begin to elect their representatives, I feel my nerves growing inside of me. My hands begin to shake.</p><p>Nani takes my hand in hers and offers a gentle smile. "We are right beside you, Astri."</p><p>As I had feared, there is little progress towards understanding on the first day of the Conclave. The sun is setting before I have a chance to speak and the Divine defers further discussions until the morning.</p><p>On the walk back to the camp my mind is reeling from the day spent listening to the mages and templars debating their rights and the motives behind the war. While it had been endless, it had been informative. Those on both sides that have chosen to attend are more reasonable than I had originally thought. There was very little in the way of heated exchanges, with most debating courteously. I suppose the presence of the Divine has that effect on the religious.</p><p>When we pass through the eastern gate and the tents come into view, I realize how exhausted I am. Standing around all day has caused my legs and feet to ache in ways I have never felt before. I close my eyes for a moment to imagine my bed back at the Circle with its thick mattress and soft blankets. I miss having a proper bed to sleep in.</p><p>A soldier stands by the entrance to the camp, scanning the faces of those who enter. When he sees Gabriel's face, he reaches out to catch his attention.</p><p>"Knight-Captain Loredan?"</p><p>Gabriel nods. "I am he. What is it, soldier?"</p><p>The soldier looks to me and then back to Gabriel. "Ser Rylen has need of you in his tent. And your mage."</p><p>I frown at him, not entirely pleased to be referred to as his 'mage'. However, the dire look in the soldier's eyes concerns me more so.</p><p>"Is something the matter?" I ask.</p><p>The soldier averts his eyes. "Please, follow me."</p><p>Landen says he will escort Nani back to the tent for dinner and then Gabriel and I follow the soldier through the camp to Rylen's tent by the main gate into Haven.</p><p>Inside Rylen is seated at his makeshift desk, his thumb digging into his forehead in small circles as though troubled by a bad headache. He looks up when we enter and immediately, I can see the same dire look in his eyes as I had seen in his man's.</p><p>"Thank you, Seamus. You may go."</p><p>The soldier bows his head and leaves quickly.</p><p>Rylen stands slowly, his hand reaching for a letter on his desk. "There is no pleasant way to tell you this. I am sorry that it's me that has to do it. I am not good at this sort of thing." He drops the letter back on his desk and sighs. His eyes move from Gabriel to meet mine. "We had a raven from Ostwick today. The Circle has fallen."</p><p>For a moment, his words mean nothing to me. They make so little sense that they pass me by. It is only when I piece together each individual word that the meaning behind them becomes clear.</p><p>Gabriel crosses the tent to stand in front of Rylen, who is clearly uncomfortable by the closeness. "What do you mean the Circle has fallen? Who sent the raven?"</p><p>Rylen clears his throat and hands the letter to Gabriel. "Templars from Ostwick sent it. See for yourself."</p><p>Gabriel snatches the letter, his eyes scanning the page frantically. He stumbles backwards a step, his face twisting with emotion. "No!"</p><p>I go to him, my hand on his arm. "What does it say? What has happened?"</p><p>Gabriel lowers the letter slowly, his eyes barely meeting mine. "It says that templars arrived in Ostwick reporting an outbreak of fighting within the Circle." His voice breaks off.</p><p>I reach for the letter in desperation, but he pulls it away.</p><p>"No! You do not want to read it. I promise you."</p><p>"Then tell me what it says!"</p><p>He swallows and looks away, his words failing him.</p><p>Rylen steps forward. "The First Enchanter has been killed, my lady. One of her students turned on her. The letter says at that point everything went out of control."</p><p>My head spins and I lose my balance. Both Gabriel and Rylen catch me, but I push them both away.</p><p>"L-Lydia? D-dead?" My voice is that of a stranger. So strangled and broken that it does not sound like my own. I blink several times and look up at Nathanial. "W-what about your uncle?"</p><p>His eyes remain on the floor. "It is unknown."</p><p>A whimper leaves my lips and this time I drop to the floor unhindered. Tears stream down my face and my whole body begins to tremble. Nothing about this makes sense. Lydia cannot be dead. It does not make sense. She is too kind, too loved. Killed by a student? No, this cannot be true.</p><p>"We need to go back."</p><p>I barely hear Gabriel's words. My senses are consumed by confusion and grief. Staring down at my hands as they shake, I beg myself to wake up from this horrible dream.</p><p>Gabriel's face is in front of mine. "Astri, we need to go back."</p><p>My eyes search his face, piecing it together. "W-what?"</p><p>"We need to go back to the Circle. I am the Knight-Captain. It is my duty to put this right. We are not rebels. We will not let the Circle fall like this."</p><p>My face wrinkles in confusion. "You want to go back there? You cannot be serious."</p><p>"I am incredibly serious. We are needed more than ever. If there is anyone who can make them see reason, it is you and I. We may be able to fix this. At the very least we need to find out what happened and find any survivors."</p><p>I shake my head, none of his words make sense. "You just said that Lydia is dead. If we go back, we will be in danger. What would stop them from killing us too? If Lydia's own students murdered her, what hope do we have of reasoning with them? You cannot be serious, Gabe."</p><p>"The lass is right, Knight-Captain. That letter tells of some very grim things." Rylen kneels down beside me. "You have our protection, my lady."</p><p>My eyes do not move from Gabriel's. I plead with him not to make any irrational decisions through my eyes. He kneels before me, his hand grabbing my shoulders.</p><p>"Our home is burning. Our friends are dying. You would ignore all of that and turn your back on them?"</p><p>I squeeze my eyes closed, hiding from his intense gaze. "It is not about the Circle. It never has been. I was sent here for a reason. Circles everywhere have fallen, Gabe. Mages and templars are being slaughtered mindlessly. Going back does not solve the issue. I will not stop you from going yourself, but I cannot go with you. I have to stay."</p><p>His grip on me softens and he lets out a long sigh. "I will not force you to leave either," he says, his voice low and hardened. "I should have known you would not return to that tower. I saw it in your eyes when I helped you into that carriage. You never belonged there."</p><p>I feel my tears spilling down my cheeks. "You are truly leaving, aren't you?"</p><p>Gabriel's head bows and he nods only once. "I have no choice. I am sorry." He stands then, his hand brushing along my cheek as he does. It is the smallest of touches, but it makes my heart ache. This is it. He is leaving me, and I do not know if I will see him again.</p><p>He turns to Rylen. "Thank you, for all that you have done. Look after her, I beg of you."</p><p>Rylen nods. "You have my word, Knight-Captain."</p><p>Gabriel turns to me one last time. "I always knew it would be too much to hope that you would ever love me back, Astri Trevelyan. But I want you to know that I regret nothing that happened between us." He glances at Rylen as though remembering that we are not alone. He clears his throat, his hand pulling open the door to the tent. "Maker watch over you. I pray that you find your freedom and your peace. You deserve nothing less." And then he is gone.</p><p>As I enter my tent, I find Nani inside covered in tears, wrapped tightly in Landen's arms. When she sees me, she runs to me and wraps her arms around my weakened body. I can feel her shaking with her sobs.</p><p>"Oh, Astri! What are we going to do?" Her words are muffled by her tears. "Gabe and the others rode off! He said that the Circle has fallen. The First Enchanter...my mother..."</p><p>I wrap my arms around her and stroke her back. My eyes meet Landen's over her shoulder.</p><p>"You stayed?"</p><p>He nods, tears in his eyes. "I won't abandon you both."</p><p>There is a warmth in his tone that embraces me. I feel the faintest bit of hope rise within me.</p><p>"Thank you, Landen. Truly. Thank you." I pull away from Nani slightly to look into her eyes. "But why did you both stay? You mother, Nani. You need to go to her."</p><p>Her tears continue to stream down her face. "If she is even still alive. No, Astri. My mother knows where I am. She will come to me. I will not abandon you. Caius went with Gabe and the others. He said he will look for her."</p><p>I nod and pull her close again. "I understand. Thank you, Nani."</p><p>She nods, her sobs growing louder in the silence that follows. As I hold her, I find my own tears drying up. My heart aches, the wound still so fresh that it feels like a gaping hole in my chest. But all I can think about is Nani and her pain. She is here because of me. Because of what I mean to her. I want to comfort her. I want to protect her. My pain can wait.</p><p>Numbness. That is what I feel as I lay in my cot. Nani cried herself to sleep long ago. Landen is now curled beside her, arms around her and holding her close. It is the first time I have seen them like this. Since Gabriel left it is like whatever barrier had been between them has simply vanished.</p><p>"The pilgrimage begins shortly! We commence at dawn from the eastern gate!"</p><p>The call to rise catches me by surprise. I blink and sit upwards, rubbing my face with my hands.</p><p>Nani stirs, her puffy eyes barely opening as she tries to untangle herself from Landen's arms. "Did you get any sleep?"</p><p>I shake my head. "No, but I am alright. I am glad that you slept."</p><p>Nani strokes Landen's face softly. "I still can hardly believe any of it."</p><p>I nod and find my feet. "It is all I have been able to think about and yet I still cannot fathom it either."</p><p>Landen stirs. No sooner has he awoken is he checking on Nani. "Are you alright?"</p><p>Nani smiles and nods. "Yes, I am. Thanks to you."</p><p>There is relief in his eyes, but still a lot of pain. I think it will be a long time before any of us will feel even slightly normal again.</p><p>I head for the door, but Nani stops me.</p><p>"Are you going to the Conclave?"</p><p>I nod. "Of course."</p><p>"But we no longer have a Circle to represent."</p><p>I turn back to her with a smile. "No, but we are still mages. I will have my say, even if I no longer have the authority. The Divine invited us; I will not waste this opportunity."</p><p>Nani sighs and nods. "I understand." She begins to climb from her cot.</p><p>"You should stay here today, Nani," I say. "You need to rest. I will be fine on my own."</p><p>Nani shakes her head and stretches her arms into the air, yawning as she does so. "Not a chance. I will not let you do it by yourself. Landen and I are here for you. We are family."</p><p>The warmth from her eyes fills me and I cannot help but smile. "Very well, then. I suppose I could use the company."</p><p>She returns my smile despite her puffy face. "Then what are we doing standing around here. Let us head the gate with the others."</p><p>Stepping out into the morning air it occurs to me that this will be my first day as a free mage. We have no Circle to return to, and we have no templar guards. Landen removed his templar armour the night before and now looks like any other civilian in the camp. It is an odd feeling, laced with both guilt and exhilaration. Whatever comes next is a mystery. We have no home. We are alone amongst strangers; in a world we have never known.</p><p>Looking up into the sky as the sunrise turns the clouds various shades of pinks and purples, I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. I try to imagine what a life outside of the tower would be like. What I do know is that the fight for that freedom has only just begun. This Conclave is the key to making it a reality.</p><p>As Nani, Landen and I make our way to the eastern gate I calm the emotions within me, willing my courage to take over. I will make sure that my voice is heard today.</p><p>We deserve our freedom.</p>
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